You may wonder why I am just now coming to speak on this proverb. It is the first proverb in the chapter, but we are at the tail end of our study in this chapter. The reason is because I have been avoiding it like the plague!
I will admit that my speaking on it may be a bit hypocritical. We all have sins that we deal with, some struggle in certain areas more than others. I would have to say that giving a “soft answer” would probably be one of those areas that I find extremely difficult.
I will admit that my speaking on it may be a bit hypocritical. We all have sins that we deal with, some struggle in certain areas more than others. I would have to say that giving a “soft answer” would probably be one of those areas that I find extremely difficult.
The passage before us this morning is yet another that deals with the power of the tongue and how we might best govern it. It doesn’t take a lot to understand what it says. It tells us that the tongue has the power to diffuse a hostile situation, or it has the power to whip it up.
And before we get into the text and examine each part, I’d like to begin by reading few comments others have made on this particular passage.
The first is from Charles Bridges, who has a famous commentary on the book of Proverbs. I highly recommend Bridges’ commentary. It makes for an excellent daily devotional as it has a brief exposition of each of the proverbs. But listen to what he says in regards to this passage:
"What a mine of practical wisdom is this Book of God. Let us ponder this valuable rule for self-discipline, family peace, and Church unity."
What I’d like is that he emphasizes the many different realms in which this proverb can be applied. He says it is valuable for self-discipline, family peace, and church unity. One of the best ways to promote the continued harmony of the church is through a gentle tongue. Unfortunately, when a fire breaks out, instead of squelching the squabble, we usually add kindling to it. Before you know it, the church has been broken into three or four different camps in regards to the issue. There are those who take one side, A bunch of people end up taking another side. Then there are those who don’t take either side and think everyone has gone loony. And typically there’s a fourth group that just says, “I’m outta here.” And they go off to look for another church to be a part of.
Bridges also specifically mentions that this is key for peace in the family. And, young people, think about how this applies to how you interact with your brothers and sisters, especially the ones who may be younger than you. Since I’ve been a parent I’ve noticed that the younger ones typically respond in kind to their older siblings. For example, let’s say your little brother runs off with a toy you’ve been using. You set it down for a second and the next thing you know, they are off with it. Now your first instinct is to yell and scream at them. And how do they respond to that? Well, he yell’s and screams back. It is like he gives you a Xerox copy of yourself.
But imagine if you would remain calm, how do you think he might react then? He might be more a bit more amiable too, wouldn’t he? If you used a little diplomacy, you might even get your toy back.
That leads me to the second quote that I want to read for you. This one comes from a guy by the name of Adam Clarke. Clarke was a pastor in the early 19th century, and he said this,
"Gentleness will often disarm the most furious, where positive derangement has not taken place; one angry word will always beget another, for the disposition of one spirit always begets its own likeness in another: thus kindness produces kindness, and rage produces rage."
Clarke summarizes the theme of today’s message well. What I want you to take from this message is this one thought: the disposition of one spirit always begets its own likeness in another. In today’s language we might say that the way you act (or, as the case may be, the way you talk) will likely determine how the other person will act towards you.
So, with those thoughts in mind, I’d like us to consider what this passage says about Biblical diplomacy. Diplomacy is defined as “the art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way.” And that’s what this passage is commending. This passage is showing us how develop that sensitivity, and—when we take heed to what is said here, we will be able to deal with people in the most effective way.
Biblical diplomacy understands that our tongues have the power to pacify or to provoke. The disposition of one spirit always begets its own likeness.
Let’s consider the first part of our passage and how our tongues have the power to pacify anger.
I. Pacify anger
The text begins by saying that a soft answer turns away wrath. The word soft is an interesting one. It is used quite frequently in the OT. Sometimes it has the idea of weakness or of being delicate. Jacob’s first wife Leah was said to have “weak” eyes. It is used in reference to children and their being not physically able to endure a long hard walk. It is used in regards to soldiers being fearful and faint hearted. David uses the word in regards to Solomon, saying that he was too young to build the temple. He was too soft.
The idea, of course, is that there is a special delicacy to one’s speech. They are “weak” words in that they are not forceful or aggressive. Solomon is commending a special gentleness of demeanor, tenderness of tone, and the ability to be diplomatic in your dealings with hostile people.
And he says that when some hostility presents itself, we can often diffuse the situation if we use this approach.
There are a number of examples of this in the Bible. We can think of the passage in 1 Samuel when David was provoked by Nabal. David and his men had acted as Nabal’s security guards and protected his flocks. And when David was in need Nabal completely blew him off. This upset David to the point where he called his men to strap on their swords and they marched off to take his head.
But the Bible tells us that Nabal’s wife, Abigal, came out to meet David. Now, understand the risk she took. She might have been slain herself. But she bowed down and prostrated herself before David. She paid respects to David by acknowledging his place of honor and the foolish mistakes that her husband had made. All in all, she was able to appease the king’s wrath by a submissive posture, some degree of repentance, and displaying kindness (she provided food for the men).
Another example we could look at is the way Jacob pacified Esau. You remember that these two brothers didn’t have the best history. They wrestled around all the way back to their mother’s womb. And later in life Jacob had to flee his home because he took Esau’s birthright. Esau was so angered that he wanted to kill Jacob. So Jacob fled to another country to stay with his uncle. But years later God called Jacob to go back home. And you know that grudges do not die easily. When they drew near, Jacob sent envoys ahead of him laden with gifts for Esau. And when the two met, Jacob bowed down to Esau and made himself out to be quite lowly (even though he was the one with the birthright, and therefore the master). He didn’t come and say, “Okay Esau, I’m the master here. You better get in line.”
That’s the attitude and demeanor that is being called for here in this proverb. When we face hostilities, we need to exercise restraint, be disciplined, collected, calm, and answer cooly.
To be sure, this is the spirit of God himself. The Bible tells us that God is “slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.” He’s a being who is longsuffering. And each of you knows this because this is the way He has treated you in the gospel. If you are a Christian, God has subdued you with His word. The gospel invitation is a soft word. Prior to being converted you were a raging sinner. You were hostile to God. You were a raving lunatic. But somehow you came into contact with the truth of Christ’s saving grace. And that message quieted the raging hurricane that was your rebellion.
And it is because the Spirit of God now lives within you that you can begin to do this yourself. The fruit of the Spirit is self control, love, gentleness, peace, patience. These are all attributes that give birth to a soft answer.
So when your kid talks back or your boss is all up in your face for something that isn’t even your fault, and you feel your temperature rising, you don’t have to explode and give them a good reaming. You can exercise the diplomacy of Jesus Christ himself. When he was reviled, he reviled not in return, right?
We know that Jesus made people angry. He made whips, he used some inflammatory language sometimes (whitewashed walls, brood of vipers, hypocrites). But what was his main attribute? It was meekness and gentleness. That’s why he was able to govern his tongue & exercise this restraint.
The peacemaker is one who will not give way to his passions, but he will have the meekness and gentleness of Christ.
If I could quote Charles Bridges again. Bridges says that the guy who can give a soft answer is someone who has a double victory. The first victory is the one he has over himself (his pride and passion), the second is the victory he gains over the one who is pacified.
The thing to remember though is that the spirit of one begets its likeness. Biblical diplomacy understands that a soft answer has the power to diffuse a situation.
But just as our tongues have the power to pacify, they also have the power to provoke. You’ll notice that the second half tells us that our tongues can do just the opposite. If we are not ruled by Christ, then we can make the situation more hostile than it already is.
II. Provoke anger
The passage says that a "harsh word stirs up anger."
Having played playground basketball much of my life I’ve seen this in action countless times. When mouths start flapping tempers start rising. And it is not long until verbal aggression turns physical. Things can escalate rather quickly, especially when there is a lot of pride mixed with testosterone.
But the truth stands: we have the power to make a bad situation worse, simply by our words.
And this we should admit is the default position of humanity. We have a propensity to churn up the flames and instigate a greater hostility because our nature is deformed. Sin feeds on the misery of others and its nature is to send things into an angry tailspin and make things spiral out of control.
In the political sphere, we call this “blowback.” When you initiate aggression as a nation, what usually happens? The people you attack are provoked to answer in kind. So it blows back in our face. And this is why we need to be careful in our national affairs where we are dropping bombs or placing soldiers.
As it is on the national scale, so it is on the interpersonal level. We can create unnecessary blowback if we are not careful with our words. If our words are harsh, we will usually see retaliation in kind.
But let’s pause here and consider what a harsh word is. We may think of different kinds of words that may fall into the category of “harsh.” How might we stir up strife with our words?
Angry screaming or yelling.
This is the expressed opposite of a soft or gentle word. A soft word, by its nature, is where one’s volume doesn’t rise to obscene decibels. It is calm. It is verbal expression of meekness and manifests itself in quietness.
You can tell you’re starting to provoke someone when your pitch significant increases and the volume becomes rather shrill.
I had a good example of this brought home at a coaches meeting a while back. A few of the coaches from the soccer league got together for a meeting and we were chatting. And somehow we got to talking about yelling at our players and trying to motivate them by excessive volume. And one of the coaches was a lady and she gave us a little lecture on the difference between the sexes. She said that she struggled as a young lady playing sports because she had coaches who were yellers. They were trying to motivate and rev them up, but she took their shouts as criticisms.
Perhaps that’s something dads need to take to heart and be mindful of, especially with our daughters. The Bible tells us that we are not to provoke our children to wrath. I think part of that is understanding that harsh words (loud words) can provoke, especially the violent (and likely unnecessary) outbursts that we may have.
Now, recognize, you might not be attacking someone’s character. You might be right. You might have a valid point. If someone starts flying off at you and they have no reason to do so, you’re yelling back at them to defend yourself isn’t going to do much. The only thing that excessive volume will do is create more hostility.
The verbal attack.
This has a number of different forms. There’s witty comeback, a sarcastic dig, an eloquent string of profanities, or a pleasing insult. You know the best way to belittle someone is if it there is a good deal of truth to it. A professor of mine used to say that sarcasm is the sulfuric acid of relationships. I’ve also heard it said that sarcasm is “the body’s natural defense against stupid.” But the point is that these are words that hurt. They are ad hominin attacks.
They are harsh, not because they are loud, but because they cut.
And notice that they can character assassination can be done quietly. When this talks about a soft answer, it doesn’t mean that you can cut someone down just as long as you do it in a whisper or under your breath.
The verbal attack may be quiet, it may be hidden behind a sanctimonious smile, but is a harsh word and no matter how quiet its form, it inflames. It is merely pouring fuel on the fire.
Now, don’t get me wrong. There is a place for mockery and name calling. The Bible is full of it. Paul calls the Galatians fools. Jesus called people whitewashed tombs and vipers. But these were not instances of malice or vengeance. These were situations that were governed by a desire to honor God, not please one’s own self interest.
So we need to be aware that character assassination is not a good thing. It will usually produce unhealthy blowback.
Button pushing
This is neither loud nor a direct attack on someone. Rather it is a kind of indirect way of instigating a person. It is making some comments that you know irritate a person. It usually has a way of wearing down their patience so that they eventually want to slap you.
I once heard that there was a man who was a profound musician. He toured the world playing in front of large audiences. To say that he was talented would be an understatement. This musician had a son and their relationship was rather tenuous. Sometimes the son would come in late at night and he knew his father would be up in bed, awake, listening to his son come in. And the boy would go over to the piano and play a scale, ascending and descending. But he wouldn’t hit the last note in the descending scale. And then he would go to bed. The father of course couldn’t take it. It annoyed him to no end. So much so that he couldn’t sleep. He would have to get out of bed, come downstairs, and play the last note.
That’s an example of pushing one’s buttons. It isn’t a direct attack on someone. It might not be loud, but it is merely a way of irking someone and it doesn’t help the relationship.
All of these (yelling, verbal attacks, and button pushing), are examples of harsh words—words that stir up strife and cause unnecessary blowback. And all of these, as we have already said, are the default position of the human heart.
Peacemaking isn’t natural to us. We are not prone to live by the non-aggression principle. It is hard to tame a tongue. James tells us that. He also says that a whole forest is set on fire by it. That’s his way of saying that a harsh word stirs up strife. One spark from the tongue can create a whole firestorm that burns much hotter and fierce.
And that is why we need the ongoing work of the gospel.
Ephesians says, “Be ye kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving, even as God in Christ forgave you.” I wish we could develop each part of that, but the important thing right now is to understand that Paul points to the heavenly reality. That is what governs our earthly relationships. Christ has forgiven you. He has been kind and tenderhearted when you did not deserve it. When all you did is provoke him to anger by your sin, he still dealt with you not as your sins deserved.
This is what we must do too. Let us mimic our good Savior, and be people who strive to diffuse situations through kindness, tenderness, and forgiveness.
And before we get into the text and examine each part, I’d like to begin by reading few comments others have made on this particular passage.
The first is from Charles Bridges, who has a famous commentary on the book of Proverbs. I highly recommend Bridges’ commentary. It makes for an excellent daily devotional as it has a brief exposition of each of the proverbs. But listen to what he says in regards to this passage:
"What a mine of practical wisdom is this Book of God. Let us ponder this valuable rule for self-discipline, family peace, and Church unity."
What I’d like is that he emphasizes the many different realms in which this proverb can be applied. He says it is valuable for self-discipline, family peace, and church unity. One of the best ways to promote the continued harmony of the church is through a gentle tongue. Unfortunately, when a fire breaks out, instead of squelching the squabble, we usually add kindling to it. Before you know it, the church has been broken into three or four different camps in regards to the issue. There are those who take one side, A bunch of people end up taking another side. Then there are those who don’t take either side and think everyone has gone loony. And typically there’s a fourth group that just says, “I’m outta here.” And they go off to look for another church to be a part of.
Bridges also specifically mentions that this is key for peace in the family. And, young people, think about how this applies to how you interact with your brothers and sisters, especially the ones who may be younger than you. Since I’ve been a parent I’ve noticed that the younger ones typically respond in kind to their older siblings. For example, let’s say your little brother runs off with a toy you’ve been using. You set it down for a second and the next thing you know, they are off with it. Now your first instinct is to yell and scream at them. And how do they respond to that? Well, he yell’s and screams back. It is like he gives you a Xerox copy of yourself.
But imagine if you would remain calm, how do you think he might react then? He might be more a bit more amiable too, wouldn’t he? If you used a little diplomacy, you might even get your toy back.
That leads me to the second quote that I want to read for you. This one comes from a guy by the name of Adam Clarke. Clarke was a pastor in the early 19th century, and he said this,
"Gentleness will often disarm the most furious, where positive derangement has not taken place; one angry word will always beget another, for the disposition of one spirit always begets its own likeness in another: thus kindness produces kindness, and rage produces rage."
Clarke summarizes the theme of today’s message well. What I want you to take from this message is this one thought: the disposition of one spirit always begets its own likeness in another. In today’s language we might say that the way you act (or, as the case may be, the way you talk) will likely determine how the other person will act towards you.
So, with those thoughts in mind, I’d like us to consider what this passage says about Biblical diplomacy. Diplomacy is defined as “the art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way.” And that’s what this passage is commending. This passage is showing us how develop that sensitivity, and—when we take heed to what is said here, we will be able to deal with people in the most effective way.
Biblical diplomacy understands that our tongues have the power to pacify or to provoke. The disposition of one spirit always begets its own likeness.
Let’s consider the first part of our passage and how our tongues have the power to pacify anger.
I. Pacify anger
The text begins by saying that a soft answer turns away wrath. The word soft is an interesting one. It is used quite frequently in the OT. Sometimes it has the idea of weakness or of being delicate. Jacob’s first wife Leah was said to have “weak” eyes. It is used in reference to children and their being not physically able to endure a long hard walk. It is used in regards to soldiers being fearful and faint hearted. David uses the word in regards to Solomon, saying that he was too young to build the temple. He was too soft.
The idea, of course, is that there is a special delicacy to one’s speech. They are “weak” words in that they are not forceful or aggressive. Solomon is commending a special gentleness of demeanor, tenderness of tone, and the ability to be diplomatic in your dealings with hostile people.
And he says that when some hostility presents itself, we can often diffuse the situation if we use this approach.
There are a number of examples of this in the Bible. We can think of the passage in 1 Samuel when David was provoked by Nabal. David and his men had acted as Nabal’s security guards and protected his flocks. And when David was in need Nabal completely blew him off. This upset David to the point where he called his men to strap on their swords and they marched off to take his head.
But the Bible tells us that Nabal’s wife, Abigal, came out to meet David. Now, understand the risk she took. She might have been slain herself. But she bowed down and prostrated herself before David. She paid respects to David by acknowledging his place of honor and the foolish mistakes that her husband had made. All in all, she was able to appease the king’s wrath by a submissive posture, some degree of repentance, and displaying kindness (she provided food for the men).
Another example we could look at is the way Jacob pacified Esau. You remember that these two brothers didn’t have the best history. They wrestled around all the way back to their mother’s womb. And later in life Jacob had to flee his home because he took Esau’s birthright. Esau was so angered that he wanted to kill Jacob. So Jacob fled to another country to stay with his uncle. But years later God called Jacob to go back home. And you know that grudges do not die easily. When they drew near, Jacob sent envoys ahead of him laden with gifts for Esau. And when the two met, Jacob bowed down to Esau and made himself out to be quite lowly (even though he was the one with the birthright, and therefore the master). He didn’t come and say, “Okay Esau, I’m the master here. You better get in line.”
That’s the attitude and demeanor that is being called for here in this proverb. When we face hostilities, we need to exercise restraint, be disciplined, collected, calm, and answer cooly.
To be sure, this is the spirit of God himself. The Bible tells us that God is “slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.” He’s a being who is longsuffering. And each of you knows this because this is the way He has treated you in the gospel. If you are a Christian, God has subdued you with His word. The gospel invitation is a soft word. Prior to being converted you were a raging sinner. You were hostile to God. You were a raving lunatic. But somehow you came into contact with the truth of Christ’s saving grace. And that message quieted the raging hurricane that was your rebellion.
And it is because the Spirit of God now lives within you that you can begin to do this yourself. The fruit of the Spirit is self control, love, gentleness, peace, patience. These are all attributes that give birth to a soft answer.
So when your kid talks back or your boss is all up in your face for something that isn’t even your fault, and you feel your temperature rising, you don’t have to explode and give them a good reaming. You can exercise the diplomacy of Jesus Christ himself. When he was reviled, he reviled not in return, right?
We know that Jesus made people angry. He made whips, he used some inflammatory language sometimes (whitewashed walls, brood of vipers, hypocrites). But what was his main attribute? It was meekness and gentleness. That’s why he was able to govern his tongue & exercise this restraint.
The peacemaker is one who will not give way to his passions, but he will have the meekness and gentleness of Christ.
If I could quote Charles Bridges again. Bridges says that the guy who can give a soft answer is someone who has a double victory. The first victory is the one he has over himself (his pride and passion), the second is the victory he gains over the one who is pacified.
The thing to remember though is that the spirit of one begets its likeness. Biblical diplomacy understands that a soft answer has the power to diffuse a situation.
But just as our tongues have the power to pacify, they also have the power to provoke. You’ll notice that the second half tells us that our tongues can do just the opposite. If we are not ruled by Christ, then we can make the situation more hostile than it already is.
II. Provoke anger
The passage says that a "harsh word stirs up anger."
Having played playground basketball much of my life I’ve seen this in action countless times. When mouths start flapping tempers start rising. And it is not long until verbal aggression turns physical. Things can escalate rather quickly, especially when there is a lot of pride mixed with testosterone.
But the truth stands: we have the power to make a bad situation worse, simply by our words.
And this we should admit is the default position of humanity. We have a propensity to churn up the flames and instigate a greater hostility because our nature is deformed. Sin feeds on the misery of others and its nature is to send things into an angry tailspin and make things spiral out of control.
In the political sphere, we call this “blowback.” When you initiate aggression as a nation, what usually happens? The people you attack are provoked to answer in kind. So it blows back in our face. And this is why we need to be careful in our national affairs where we are dropping bombs or placing soldiers.
As it is on the national scale, so it is on the interpersonal level. We can create unnecessary blowback if we are not careful with our words. If our words are harsh, we will usually see retaliation in kind.
But let’s pause here and consider what a harsh word is. We may think of different kinds of words that may fall into the category of “harsh.” How might we stir up strife with our words?
Angry screaming or yelling.
This is the expressed opposite of a soft or gentle word. A soft word, by its nature, is where one’s volume doesn’t rise to obscene decibels. It is calm. It is verbal expression of meekness and manifests itself in quietness.
You can tell you’re starting to provoke someone when your pitch significant increases and the volume becomes rather shrill.
I had a good example of this brought home at a coaches meeting a while back. A few of the coaches from the soccer league got together for a meeting and we were chatting. And somehow we got to talking about yelling at our players and trying to motivate them by excessive volume. And one of the coaches was a lady and she gave us a little lecture on the difference between the sexes. She said that she struggled as a young lady playing sports because she had coaches who were yellers. They were trying to motivate and rev them up, but she took their shouts as criticisms.
Perhaps that’s something dads need to take to heart and be mindful of, especially with our daughters. The Bible tells us that we are not to provoke our children to wrath. I think part of that is understanding that harsh words (loud words) can provoke, especially the violent (and likely unnecessary) outbursts that we may have.
Now, recognize, you might not be attacking someone’s character. You might be right. You might have a valid point. If someone starts flying off at you and they have no reason to do so, you’re yelling back at them to defend yourself isn’t going to do much. The only thing that excessive volume will do is create more hostility.
The verbal attack.
This has a number of different forms. There’s witty comeback, a sarcastic dig, an eloquent string of profanities, or a pleasing insult. You know the best way to belittle someone is if it there is a good deal of truth to it. A professor of mine used to say that sarcasm is the sulfuric acid of relationships. I’ve also heard it said that sarcasm is “the body’s natural defense against stupid.” But the point is that these are words that hurt. They are ad hominin attacks.
They are harsh, not because they are loud, but because they cut.
And notice that they can character assassination can be done quietly. When this talks about a soft answer, it doesn’t mean that you can cut someone down just as long as you do it in a whisper or under your breath.
The verbal attack may be quiet, it may be hidden behind a sanctimonious smile, but is a harsh word and no matter how quiet its form, it inflames. It is merely pouring fuel on the fire.
Now, don’t get me wrong. There is a place for mockery and name calling. The Bible is full of it. Paul calls the Galatians fools. Jesus called people whitewashed tombs and vipers. But these were not instances of malice or vengeance. These were situations that were governed by a desire to honor God, not please one’s own self interest.
So we need to be aware that character assassination is not a good thing. It will usually produce unhealthy blowback.
Button pushing
This is neither loud nor a direct attack on someone. Rather it is a kind of indirect way of instigating a person. It is making some comments that you know irritate a person. It usually has a way of wearing down their patience so that they eventually want to slap you.
I once heard that there was a man who was a profound musician. He toured the world playing in front of large audiences. To say that he was talented would be an understatement. This musician had a son and their relationship was rather tenuous. Sometimes the son would come in late at night and he knew his father would be up in bed, awake, listening to his son come in. And the boy would go over to the piano and play a scale, ascending and descending. But he wouldn’t hit the last note in the descending scale. And then he would go to bed. The father of course couldn’t take it. It annoyed him to no end. So much so that he couldn’t sleep. He would have to get out of bed, come downstairs, and play the last note.
That’s an example of pushing one’s buttons. It isn’t a direct attack on someone. It might not be loud, but it is merely a way of irking someone and it doesn’t help the relationship.
All of these (yelling, verbal attacks, and button pushing), are examples of harsh words—words that stir up strife and cause unnecessary blowback. And all of these, as we have already said, are the default position of the human heart.
Peacemaking isn’t natural to us. We are not prone to live by the non-aggression principle. It is hard to tame a tongue. James tells us that. He also says that a whole forest is set on fire by it. That’s his way of saying that a harsh word stirs up strife. One spark from the tongue can create a whole firestorm that burns much hotter and fierce.
And that is why we need the ongoing work of the gospel.
Ephesians says, “Be ye kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving, even as God in Christ forgave you.” I wish we could develop each part of that, but the important thing right now is to understand that Paul points to the heavenly reality. That is what governs our earthly relationships. Christ has forgiven you. He has been kind and tenderhearted when you did not deserve it. When all you did is provoke him to anger by your sin, he still dealt with you not as your sins deserved.
This is what we must do too. Let us mimic our good Savior, and be people who strive to diffuse situations through kindness, tenderness, and forgiveness.