The Goal of Parenting
&
How to Achieve it
Ephesians 6:4
|
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
|
We are currently doing a little series on parenting. The Apostle has been calling us to create a distinctly Christian home. We talked about the husband and wife relationship. We’ve talked about the duties that pertain to children. And in recent weeks we’ve been talking about parenting those children.
Last time we were together we talked about what we are not supposed to do as parents. We are not to provoke them to anger. This morning we are going to proceed to talk about what we should do as parents.
Now, you notice that Paul says in the later half of verse 4 that we are to “bring them up.” Here we have the goal that we are to be striving to attain.
Our goal is not to help our children get good jobs and make lots of money. That may happen. And I might say that getting a good job and making a lot of money is not a bad thing. But you should understand that that is not our objective as parents.
Neither is our objective to make replicas of ourselves. We shouldn’t be trying to conform them to some prefabricated mold where they like what we like and do the same sorts of things that we do. Some parents, I am afraid, think that is there calling.
We would also do well to know that our goal is not to make them happy. I think there are a lot of parents out there who have a hedonistic approach to parenting. They are seeking to give their children everything they can so that they will have what they believe will be a “happy childhood.”
No, we should understand that our goal, as Paul states it here, is to bring them up. That is to say, our aim should be to help them become the kind of god fearing, well rounded Christian that the Lord wants them to be. When Paul says bring them up, he is talking about maturity. We want them to become people who can make responsible, God honoring decisions. Or, if I can put it another way, a parent is doing his/her job when they help their children develop into spiritual adulthood.
You think about the book of Proverbs and you understand that this is exactly what Paul is driving at. In the book of Proverbs we hear of those who are simple. In the book of Proverbs, youth is not merely described in terms of age, but it corresponds just as much (if not more) to a lack of wisdom and understanding. To grow up, according to the book of Proverbs, is to be discerning. He is an adult who is productive in service to God and others.
That is exactly the kind of thing that Paul says that we are to be aiming at when we rear our children. We should bring them up in that we help them become individuals who can relate to God and his world in the way that is distinctly Christian.
And, the question that faces us today is how exactly do we do that? If Christian maturity is our goal, what do we have to do in order to help them get to that point?
And wouldn’t it be great if we had plan which outlined just that very thing? It would Christian parenting be a cinch if we only had a two step process for achieving that objective?
Well, if you are asking those questions, I would like to say that you are in luck. Because Paul not only tells us what our goal is to be, he gives us the methodology. He shows us exactly on how we can attain this objective by providing the means to the end.
Notice what our passage this morning says: We are to bring them up “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” You will notice that Paul does not stop short. He does not leave us wandering in the dark when it comes to raising our children. He says we are to bring them up, but then he gives us two practical steps for doing that. How do we bring them up? We do it by means of the Lord’s discipline and instruction.
The primary reference point for raising children is the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Our job is summarized in these two words: discipline and instruction. And if you grasp these two concepts, you really have almost everything you need as a parent.
I actually like the KJV a little better. The KJV says we are to bring them up “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” So, you may prefer to think of Christian parenting in terms of nurture and admonition. But for our sakes today I want you to think of two words that start with the letter C. As Parents, we are involved in the work of cultivation and confrontation.
We begin with the idea of cultivation.
I. Cultivation of a Biblical World & Life View
Now, this is important to keep in mind, especially if you are using the ESV. Because the ESV uses the word “discipline.” And when we hear the word discipline, we typically think of it in terms of punishment that are used in the process of correction.
So discipline is usually understood to be spanking, loss of privileges, time outs, and the like. We may say, “Excuse me while I discipline my child.” And then we take them into another room and apply the board of education to the seat of knowledge.
But that is a very narrow view of the word discipline. We need to think of discipline in terms of its broader usage. We need to think of it as it pertains to the whole process training. We sometimes talk about the discipline of mathematics. By that we mean learning the entire field of math, be it addition, subtraction, calculus, and trigonometry.
We talk about discipline with regard to athletes. We understand that means the entirety of his training regimen that will help him excel. That may pertain to understanding right eating habits which will boost his energy levels. That will mean he will learn and practice good sleeping patterns to boost his system’s productivity. He will seek to train in his daily workouts so that he can gain more excellence.
So, when you think of discipline, you may want to think in terms of discipleship. That’s getting more at the original language. The Greek word is the word “paideia.” It has to do with the training of the entirety of the child: His mind, his morals, his physic. Originally, this word had reference to grammar, rhetoric, gymnastics, mathematics, music, and all the other disciplines of what we now call the humanities.
But we might simplify it by saying that we are to cultivate a complete Christian worldview within our children. We are to educate them so that they understand themselves and this world from Gods perspective. Paideia does refer to the grammar and mathematics and the sciences and all that. But we are to understand that it ultimately means understanding all of life under the Lordship of Christ.
A lot of times people think that it’s just enough to know some bible stories, memorize some bible verses, and say that Jesus is your savior. Maybe mix in a little theology and you’ll be good to go.
But Christianity is much more than that. It is a whole world and life view. So, one must understand math from a distinctly Christian perspective. They should see music in its rightful place, as being instruments that produce beautiful harmonies and bring glory to God.
Henry Ford is famous for saying that history is just one dumb thing after another. That, my friends, is a pagan view of history. It is saying that everything is meaningless and history has no purpose; no end to which it is going.
That is not how we as Christians are to view history. History is “His Story.” It’s God’s story. History is the unfolding of events according to purposes of God in this world. So it is not one dumb thing after another. It is one grand thing after another. It is God’s way of working all things together for his people.
So this is what Paul means by paideia or discipline. It is the cultivation of the whole person (the whole mind) under the lordship of Christ.
And this is something that is very important. Because if you are not seeking to cultivate godly understanding of life in your children, you can be assured that the world will. The world around us is doing its best to indoctrinate your children in a competing paideia, a false worldview.
This is why you have books being put out about how Johnny has Two Mommies. The world will teach your children about music, but it won’t be how to use your voice for God’s glory. They will learn that music can be used selfishly, destructively, and for sensuality.
Again, it is not just about learning how 2+2=4. It is learning that God has created an orderly universe which allows us to make consistent, mathematical deductions. The world may try to teach you that 2+2=4, but then they will turn around and say that the world is a product of random chance. Everything somehow (and without any real explanation) exploded into existence and then, magically, order came out of the disorder.
That’s not the kind of worldview that supports mathematics.
Or worse yet, Jonny says that 2+2=5 but we don’t want to tell him that’s wrong because that might hurt his feelings.
Or take the world of science: The world is not going to teach you how you are fearfully and wonderfully made, having been created in the image of God and fashioned by God’s almighty design. They are going to tell you that you are cosmic dust that has no purpose and there are not moral boundaries which you are accountable for. And according to their worldview, you can be a boy trapped in a girl’s body.
This is why you as a parent have to be thinking through what type of education you provide for your children. You have to understand that even the best of our government schools are at base atheistic and agnostic. The teachers are not going to tell your children about how Christ is Lord over all and help them view all of life from a biblical perspective.
If I can use the words of Voddie Baucham, “If you send your children to Caesar, you should not be surprised that they come out looking and thinking a lot like Caesar.”
This is why we need to think of our work as parents not just in terms of helping them get “a good education.” We must think in terms of whole life nurture. We don’t want them to simply get good grades. We are to be in the business of cultivating their minds and cultivating their hearts. We need a form of education that enables them to think and act like Christians. That may be home school. That may be a Christian school. That may be a combination of various approaches. But at bottom it is the intentional nurture that helps our children develop the kind of discernment that is in keeping with the Truth.
Hopefully you are getting my point. This is more than merely learning a Bible story here and there and knowing that Jesus will save us from our sins. What Paul is expecting here is much more substantial than that.
If you want to understand it in terms of salvation, Paul is saying we need to be saved from faulty ways of understanding life. We need the kind of discipleship that recognizes the lordship of Christ over the world of economics and education; art and music, business, and history.
And again, this is why I suggest we use the word cultivation. As we bring our children up, we want to cultivate their minds so that they have a proper Christian world and life view.
The other word that I want to set before you is the word “confrontation.” We must not only cultivate a Christian world view within our children, we must also confront our children when they are in the wrong or when the danger of wrongdoing is looming.
II. Confrontation to Affirm & Solidify that World View
Look again at our passage. Paul says we must bring our children up “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Now again, I like the KJV here. It says bring them up “in the nurture and admonition” of the Lord. The word admonition is good because it has a sense of confrontation and rebuke. We just may not use that word very much anymore.
The ESV uses the word instruction, which is fine. But again, you have to understand that it has in mind a certain kind of instruction. It is instruction in that it warns and rebukes, guides and points out what is proper.
Again, the Greek is helpful here. The word is nouthesia (noutheo). The word nouthesia is actually a combination of two words. Nous, which means mind or intellect and theo which means to place. So literally it means to place in one’s mind. Nouthesia means we need to confront someone and put truth in their minds so that they will live obediently.
Some of you may know that we are seeking to promote a certain kind of counseling here at Hopewell. It has sometimes been called “nouthetic counseling.” In this counseling process, we are attempting to get people to think differently, and, as a result, act differently. In the counseling we confront them and instruct them in how they have gone astray. And we are trying to put in their minds the right knowledge and understanding so that they can change.
This is different from a lot of secular counseling. A lot of the secular world doesn’t actually counsel. They just rather you talk. They think that by talking, you will feel better. If you just unload your feelings and jabber for a while, you’ll be able to go one with life.
But you see the error in that. It’s not really counseling because you are not really offering any counsel. Your problems are not being solved. You may feel better for a little while, but there are no changes that you are making. So your just continuing to be stuck in the same rut (same problems).
That’s not biblical. We understand that people need nouthesia. You need to change. In order to change, you need new information. You need to be confronted about what you are doing wrong and new information needs put in your mind.
Now, as we think about what Paul is saying here in Ephesians 6:4, we see that Paul is calling us as Parents to be counselors. Our children have a problem. One of those problems is that there is not enough in their head. Or, sorry to say kids, but sometimes there’s garbage in their heads. Their minds are clogged with unbiblical thinking. And they end up sinning because of it.
So what are we supposed to do as parents? We need to be nouthetic with them. We need to confront them about their actions and their thinking. We need to put in their minds the truth of Scripture. We need to offer the correct way of thinking and help them understand what kind of behavior God requires of them.
So, if I can sum up, we will need formal education that gives them a biblical worldview. But we also need to be speaking to them regularly as they walk through life about the issues that come up on a daily basis. As parents, we are to be counselors who are addressing them in real time.
Think of that passage in Deuteronomy here: These things that I command you today are to be on your heart. And you shall teach them diligently to your children. You shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the path; when you lie down and as you rise up.
Moses was talking about being a parent. Whatever the occasion, when your child is needing their heart and mind shaped, you are to bring God’s truth to bear on them.
Now, this may not be something that is new to many of you. But it is worth mentioning. That’s because we live in a day where this is not endorsed as well as it should be. And there are some parents who might not be favorable to doing this, sometimes due to fear.
We are told that we are not to “lecture” our kids. Sometimes kids will say something like “am I going to get a lecture?”
Permissive parenting is something that is very popular today too. The idea that “kids will be kids” and we don’t really put a lot of stock into discouraging bad behavior or correction. We don’t lecture our children, in such cases, let alone discipline them.
It’s important that we do not fall into those pits. They label it a lecture because they want to discourage it and want to make it sound useless. If you want to label it a lecture, so be it. How else are they going to change and live godly lives? The only way that will happen is if they have the right information put into their minds.
So we recognize the need to admonish. There are times when maybe we witness something on the TV or maybe around the church. And we pull our kids aside and use that as a teaching moment. We give some instruction.
That’s what we are called to do.
Conclusion:
As we think about bringing our children up, we should recognize that these are the basic components that go into that. Leading our children into adulthood means helping them to mature spiritually. Our goal is that they would become the best possible decision makers. Not makers of money so much as makers of decisions.
And that means molding and shaping their worldview. Helping them to see things from God’s perspective. We know that their hearts are in God’s hands. And we know that we can only do so much to help them follow the Lord. That’s where we are dependent upon His Spirit. But we have
Last time we were together we talked about what we are not supposed to do as parents. We are not to provoke them to anger. This morning we are going to proceed to talk about what we should do as parents.
Now, you notice that Paul says in the later half of verse 4 that we are to “bring them up.” Here we have the goal that we are to be striving to attain.
Our goal is not to help our children get good jobs and make lots of money. That may happen. And I might say that getting a good job and making a lot of money is not a bad thing. But you should understand that that is not our objective as parents.
Neither is our objective to make replicas of ourselves. We shouldn’t be trying to conform them to some prefabricated mold where they like what we like and do the same sorts of things that we do. Some parents, I am afraid, think that is there calling.
We would also do well to know that our goal is not to make them happy. I think there are a lot of parents out there who have a hedonistic approach to parenting. They are seeking to give their children everything they can so that they will have what they believe will be a “happy childhood.”
No, we should understand that our goal, as Paul states it here, is to bring them up. That is to say, our aim should be to help them become the kind of god fearing, well rounded Christian that the Lord wants them to be. When Paul says bring them up, he is talking about maturity. We want them to become people who can make responsible, God honoring decisions. Or, if I can put it another way, a parent is doing his/her job when they help their children develop into spiritual adulthood.
You think about the book of Proverbs and you understand that this is exactly what Paul is driving at. In the book of Proverbs we hear of those who are simple. In the book of Proverbs, youth is not merely described in terms of age, but it corresponds just as much (if not more) to a lack of wisdom and understanding. To grow up, according to the book of Proverbs, is to be discerning. He is an adult who is productive in service to God and others.
That is exactly the kind of thing that Paul says that we are to be aiming at when we rear our children. We should bring them up in that we help them become individuals who can relate to God and his world in the way that is distinctly Christian.
And, the question that faces us today is how exactly do we do that? If Christian maturity is our goal, what do we have to do in order to help them get to that point?
And wouldn’t it be great if we had plan which outlined just that very thing? It would Christian parenting be a cinch if we only had a two step process for achieving that objective?
Well, if you are asking those questions, I would like to say that you are in luck. Because Paul not only tells us what our goal is to be, he gives us the methodology. He shows us exactly on how we can attain this objective by providing the means to the end.
Notice what our passage this morning says: We are to bring them up “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” You will notice that Paul does not stop short. He does not leave us wandering in the dark when it comes to raising our children. He says we are to bring them up, but then he gives us two practical steps for doing that. How do we bring them up? We do it by means of the Lord’s discipline and instruction.
The primary reference point for raising children is the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Our job is summarized in these two words: discipline and instruction. And if you grasp these two concepts, you really have almost everything you need as a parent.
I actually like the KJV a little better. The KJV says we are to bring them up “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” So, you may prefer to think of Christian parenting in terms of nurture and admonition. But for our sakes today I want you to think of two words that start with the letter C. As Parents, we are involved in the work of cultivation and confrontation.
We begin with the idea of cultivation.
I. Cultivation of a Biblical World & Life View
Now, this is important to keep in mind, especially if you are using the ESV. Because the ESV uses the word “discipline.” And when we hear the word discipline, we typically think of it in terms of punishment that are used in the process of correction.
So discipline is usually understood to be spanking, loss of privileges, time outs, and the like. We may say, “Excuse me while I discipline my child.” And then we take them into another room and apply the board of education to the seat of knowledge.
But that is a very narrow view of the word discipline. We need to think of discipline in terms of its broader usage. We need to think of it as it pertains to the whole process training. We sometimes talk about the discipline of mathematics. By that we mean learning the entire field of math, be it addition, subtraction, calculus, and trigonometry.
We talk about discipline with regard to athletes. We understand that means the entirety of his training regimen that will help him excel. That may pertain to understanding right eating habits which will boost his energy levels. That will mean he will learn and practice good sleeping patterns to boost his system’s productivity. He will seek to train in his daily workouts so that he can gain more excellence.
So, when you think of discipline, you may want to think in terms of discipleship. That’s getting more at the original language. The Greek word is the word “paideia.” It has to do with the training of the entirety of the child: His mind, his morals, his physic. Originally, this word had reference to grammar, rhetoric, gymnastics, mathematics, music, and all the other disciplines of what we now call the humanities.
But we might simplify it by saying that we are to cultivate a complete Christian worldview within our children. We are to educate them so that they understand themselves and this world from Gods perspective. Paideia does refer to the grammar and mathematics and the sciences and all that. But we are to understand that it ultimately means understanding all of life under the Lordship of Christ.
A lot of times people think that it’s just enough to know some bible stories, memorize some bible verses, and say that Jesus is your savior. Maybe mix in a little theology and you’ll be good to go.
But Christianity is much more than that. It is a whole world and life view. So, one must understand math from a distinctly Christian perspective. They should see music in its rightful place, as being instruments that produce beautiful harmonies and bring glory to God.
Henry Ford is famous for saying that history is just one dumb thing after another. That, my friends, is a pagan view of history. It is saying that everything is meaningless and history has no purpose; no end to which it is going.
That is not how we as Christians are to view history. History is “His Story.” It’s God’s story. History is the unfolding of events according to purposes of God in this world. So it is not one dumb thing after another. It is one grand thing after another. It is God’s way of working all things together for his people.
So this is what Paul means by paideia or discipline. It is the cultivation of the whole person (the whole mind) under the lordship of Christ.
And this is something that is very important. Because if you are not seeking to cultivate godly understanding of life in your children, you can be assured that the world will. The world around us is doing its best to indoctrinate your children in a competing paideia, a false worldview.
This is why you have books being put out about how Johnny has Two Mommies. The world will teach your children about music, but it won’t be how to use your voice for God’s glory. They will learn that music can be used selfishly, destructively, and for sensuality.
Again, it is not just about learning how 2+2=4. It is learning that God has created an orderly universe which allows us to make consistent, mathematical deductions. The world may try to teach you that 2+2=4, but then they will turn around and say that the world is a product of random chance. Everything somehow (and without any real explanation) exploded into existence and then, magically, order came out of the disorder.
That’s not the kind of worldview that supports mathematics.
Or worse yet, Jonny says that 2+2=5 but we don’t want to tell him that’s wrong because that might hurt his feelings.
Or take the world of science: The world is not going to teach you how you are fearfully and wonderfully made, having been created in the image of God and fashioned by God’s almighty design. They are going to tell you that you are cosmic dust that has no purpose and there are not moral boundaries which you are accountable for. And according to their worldview, you can be a boy trapped in a girl’s body.
This is why you as a parent have to be thinking through what type of education you provide for your children. You have to understand that even the best of our government schools are at base atheistic and agnostic. The teachers are not going to tell your children about how Christ is Lord over all and help them view all of life from a biblical perspective.
If I can use the words of Voddie Baucham, “If you send your children to Caesar, you should not be surprised that they come out looking and thinking a lot like Caesar.”
This is why we need to think of our work as parents not just in terms of helping them get “a good education.” We must think in terms of whole life nurture. We don’t want them to simply get good grades. We are to be in the business of cultivating their minds and cultivating their hearts. We need a form of education that enables them to think and act like Christians. That may be home school. That may be a Christian school. That may be a combination of various approaches. But at bottom it is the intentional nurture that helps our children develop the kind of discernment that is in keeping with the Truth.
Hopefully you are getting my point. This is more than merely learning a Bible story here and there and knowing that Jesus will save us from our sins. What Paul is expecting here is much more substantial than that.
If you want to understand it in terms of salvation, Paul is saying we need to be saved from faulty ways of understanding life. We need the kind of discipleship that recognizes the lordship of Christ over the world of economics and education; art and music, business, and history.
And again, this is why I suggest we use the word cultivation. As we bring our children up, we want to cultivate their minds so that they have a proper Christian world and life view.
The other word that I want to set before you is the word “confrontation.” We must not only cultivate a Christian world view within our children, we must also confront our children when they are in the wrong or when the danger of wrongdoing is looming.
II. Confrontation to Affirm & Solidify that World View
Look again at our passage. Paul says we must bring our children up “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Now again, I like the KJV here. It says bring them up “in the nurture and admonition” of the Lord. The word admonition is good because it has a sense of confrontation and rebuke. We just may not use that word very much anymore.
The ESV uses the word instruction, which is fine. But again, you have to understand that it has in mind a certain kind of instruction. It is instruction in that it warns and rebukes, guides and points out what is proper.
Again, the Greek is helpful here. The word is nouthesia (noutheo). The word nouthesia is actually a combination of two words. Nous, which means mind or intellect and theo which means to place. So literally it means to place in one’s mind. Nouthesia means we need to confront someone and put truth in their minds so that they will live obediently.
Some of you may know that we are seeking to promote a certain kind of counseling here at Hopewell. It has sometimes been called “nouthetic counseling.” In this counseling process, we are attempting to get people to think differently, and, as a result, act differently. In the counseling we confront them and instruct them in how they have gone astray. And we are trying to put in their minds the right knowledge and understanding so that they can change.
This is different from a lot of secular counseling. A lot of the secular world doesn’t actually counsel. They just rather you talk. They think that by talking, you will feel better. If you just unload your feelings and jabber for a while, you’ll be able to go one with life.
But you see the error in that. It’s not really counseling because you are not really offering any counsel. Your problems are not being solved. You may feel better for a little while, but there are no changes that you are making. So your just continuing to be stuck in the same rut (same problems).
That’s not biblical. We understand that people need nouthesia. You need to change. In order to change, you need new information. You need to be confronted about what you are doing wrong and new information needs put in your mind.
Now, as we think about what Paul is saying here in Ephesians 6:4, we see that Paul is calling us as Parents to be counselors. Our children have a problem. One of those problems is that there is not enough in their head. Or, sorry to say kids, but sometimes there’s garbage in their heads. Their minds are clogged with unbiblical thinking. And they end up sinning because of it.
So what are we supposed to do as parents? We need to be nouthetic with them. We need to confront them about their actions and their thinking. We need to put in their minds the truth of Scripture. We need to offer the correct way of thinking and help them understand what kind of behavior God requires of them.
So, if I can sum up, we will need formal education that gives them a biblical worldview. But we also need to be speaking to them regularly as they walk through life about the issues that come up on a daily basis. As parents, we are to be counselors who are addressing them in real time.
Think of that passage in Deuteronomy here: These things that I command you today are to be on your heart. And you shall teach them diligently to your children. You shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the path; when you lie down and as you rise up.
Moses was talking about being a parent. Whatever the occasion, when your child is needing their heart and mind shaped, you are to bring God’s truth to bear on them.
Now, this may not be something that is new to many of you. But it is worth mentioning. That’s because we live in a day where this is not endorsed as well as it should be. And there are some parents who might not be favorable to doing this, sometimes due to fear.
We are told that we are not to “lecture” our kids. Sometimes kids will say something like “am I going to get a lecture?”
Permissive parenting is something that is very popular today too. The idea that “kids will be kids” and we don’t really put a lot of stock into discouraging bad behavior or correction. We don’t lecture our children, in such cases, let alone discipline them.
It’s important that we do not fall into those pits. They label it a lecture because they want to discourage it and want to make it sound useless. If you want to label it a lecture, so be it. How else are they going to change and live godly lives? The only way that will happen is if they have the right information put into their minds.
So we recognize the need to admonish. There are times when maybe we witness something on the TV or maybe around the church. And we pull our kids aside and use that as a teaching moment. We give some instruction.
That’s what we are called to do.
Conclusion:
As we think about bringing our children up, we should recognize that these are the basic components that go into that. Leading our children into adulthood means helping them to mature spiritually. Our goal is that they would become the best possible decision makers. Not makers of money so much as makers of decisions.
And that means molding and shaping their worldview. Helping them to see things from God’s perspective. We know that their hearts are in God’s hands. And we know that we can only do so much to help them follow the Lord. That’s where we are dependent upon His Spirit. But we have