How Might We Provoke Our Children to Anger?
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Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:4 |
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Message begins at approx. the 37 min mark.
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As we come to our passage today, we should recognize the importance of the material we are dealing with here. We, of course, recognize that this is the Word of God. So it has incredible importance. It is the sacred text.
But we may also understand the importance of the text in terms of its relevance. As we look around this room, we can easily see that approximately half of our congregation is made up of children. |
I don’t want to put any thoughts in anyone’s head, but we have to admit that the 16 and under crowd could easily stage a mutiny. The numbers are certainly in their favor if they decided to go for it.
All in all, there is a healthy portion of our congregation to which these admonitions apply.
We love having families be a part of our congregation. And the words of this verse are so very important for parents to understand. As you go about raising your children, one of the things that is needed is a proper understanding of how to nurture them and guide them.
One of the things that has been so detrimental to the church over the last 50 years is that there has been a lag in this realm. We are told by George Barna that 70% of young people leave the church by the time they are 20 years old. That stat speaks to our need to recapture a Biblical understanding of Christian nurture. If we are going to see that statistic drop, we need to rekindle a biblical philosophy of Christian education.
Martin Luther has said that the church is in danger of dying out every 40 or so years. By that he meant that the torch of faith may easily burn out because it is not passed on to the next generation. He wanted everyone to understand that faith doesn’t just pop into existence. God uses means in preserving his church from one generation to the next. And parental nurture is one of the primary means of doing that.
Perhaps we are familiar with the proverb, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Now, we recognize that this is a proverb and not an absolute promise. It’s talking about how things normally operate. There are always exceptions. And it is a good reminder that this is not a guarantee. But normally, as we train up a child in the ways of God, they will continue to hold to the faith and walk with God throughout their lives.
And that brings us to our passage today. As we begin to think about what constitutes a proper nurture of our children, our passage tells us that we actually do not begin with them. As we build a philosophy of Christian education, Scripture tells us that must begin with ourselves as parents.
Our passage says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.” You may remember that the book of Colossians is the sister epistle. And in Colossians 3 Paul says something similar. He says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart (or be discouraged).”
Paul begins by reminding us that one of the most important element of a child’s development is the conduct of the fathers and the mothers.
Now, you might follow everything else to the T. You might be an expert when it comes to the discipline of your children. You might be right on target when it comes to instructing your children in the Lord. You might have the best possible curriculum. You use the most Scripture based books and all of their math problems are straight from the Bible. If Jesus has 10 lepers and only 1 comes back to say thank you, how many lepers were going to hell? All of that may be good and fine.
But here we are reminded of something that is of greater importance. Here we are reminded of what may be called “the prerequisite” for child nurture: If you do not have the kind of character that a parent should have, then you need to know that you may very well be undermining everything else you are doing. All your discipline and instruction may be for naught.
So the first place to begin, is understanding the role of the teacher. Parents, and especially the fathers, need to make sure that they are not putting impediments in front of their children when it comes to their spiritual development.
Or, when our children are acting out, one of the things that we need to do is evaluate ourselves. Yes, we need to address their behavior and recognize their responsibility, but we also need to make sure that we are not at fault. Because we can actually be part of the problem ourselves. By our example and by our lifestyle, we may be contributing to their wayward behavior.
So the question then becomes, how can parents provoke their children to anger? In what ways may we be exasperating them and causing them to become discouraged? To put it another way, as we evaluate ourselves, what things might we consider changing?
Now, to answer this question, I want you to know that I will be relying heavily upon a book by Lou Priolo entitled “The Heart of Anger,” by Lou Priolo. In this book Priolo lists 25 ways parents can provoke their children. I am going to be borrowing some of the material. I’m not going to go through all 25, but I am going to hit some of the highlights.
So, we can ask ourselves, what ways may we be provoking our children to anger? How may we be exasperating them?
Now, I agree with Priolo when he says that the number one way we can exasperate our children is by a lack of marital harmony.
Lack of Marital Harmony
Earlier we studied how husbands and wives are to “become one flesh.” We discussed the oneness that husbands and wives are to have. That oneness is a loving union where life is shared and they seek to live in accord with one another.
You have to understand that, if this oneness is not being experienced in the home, there can be serious consequences. One of the consequences will be the effect that it has upon the children. To put it another way, when there is constant tension between the parents or when there is bitterness that develops, you can expect that the same tension and bitterness will fill the rest of the home.
Why is it that Billy isn’t getting along with Molly? Maybe it is because mom and dad are not getting along. Why does Johnny seem to be at odds with his authorities? Maybe it is because mom and dad are at odds with God in regards to their oneness.
Think of it this way: the environment that you create by virtue of your own relationship is the seedbed for your children. The seeds will grow only to the extent that the soil in which they are planted is conducive.
So it may be that Dad needs to go to mom and confess how he has not been loving her the way he should. He may need to admit that the union he has had with his work or his play has been more important than the union he has had with his wife. And when that oneness begins to be cultivated, there ends up being more harmony in the rest of the house too.
So remember the importance of marital harmony. And also consider, secondly, your own anger. It should not surprise you that, if you are habitually modeling sinful anger, your children also will be angry.
Habitually Modeling Sinful Anger
The greatest educator is imitation, isn’t it? One’s example is the most influential thing he has. Scripture even keys in on this. Prov. 22 tells us that we must not associate with an angry man, “lest we learn his ways.” (Pr. 22:24-5).
When we don’t solve our problems in a biblical way, it only stands to reason that our children won’t learn how to solve their problems in a God honoring way either. If they see us raising our voices, throwing things, slamming doors, brooding, and walking away from others in frustration, they are not going to learn the skill of talking through things and working out a good solution.
What they will learn is how to dominate someone by intimidation. They’ll learn how to win an argument by means of sheer volume. Or they may learn that if you retreat far enough away and not develop any kind of deep, meaningful friendships, then you won’t have to deal with those problems anymore.
Remember what we studied in chapter 4. We learned all about anger there. We learned that we can give the devil a foothold. That foothold can be had not only in our own lives; it could also be a foothold that he gets in the lives of our entire household. The devil can get a foothold in the lives of our children because they’ve begun to follow in our footsteps.
So we have to consider whether or not we are modeling sinful anger for our kids.
A third provocation can be (what I call) faulty discipline.
Faulty discipline
By faulty discipline I mean that discipline that is too severe, discipline that is inconsistent, or discipline that is too soft.
We are going to talk about discipline in the next portion of our text. So we will expand upon this concept a little.
But you recognize that God has called for parents to be judicious in the discipline of their children. We are to replicate God’s discipline of his children. And you know when God chastises his people, it is always a righteous discipline. It is fair, firm, and fitting the trespass.
And you recognize how we can easily provoke our children if we go askew. If we are too severe (maybe disciplining out of the passion of our anger so that we come down too hard on them), we will exasperate the children. To little and they will not learn self discipline and they will become bratty little snots. If your parenting is not consistent (one day you enforce, and the next day you don’t), your child will be angry because he doesn’t know what really is expected of him. The rules will seem to keep changing and he’s going to be confused as to what is allowed and what isn’t.
As I said, we’ll talk more about discipline in our next message. But here we simply note that if we habitually disciplining in an errant way, we really do set our children up for spiritual failure.
Fourthly, parents who lack humility are giving occasions for anger and discouragement.
A lack of humility
When I say a lack of humility, I mean all forms of pride, but, specifically speaking, I mean failing to confess your sins and ask forgiveness for them.
Scripture tells us that pride comes before a great fall. And sometimes that fall pertains to your household. Just think of King Saul and his relationship to his son, Jonathan. Saul was the epitome of pride. When Samuel came to confront him about his having spared King Agag and taking the plunder when he was commanded to destroy all, Saul wouldn’t admit his wrong. As a result, his reign as king of Israel came falling down.
But it wasn’t just his kingdom that was affected. His household suffered as well. His relationship with his son deteriorated.
As parents, we need to recognize that we are not God. And we need to be willing to admit our faults and own up to them in front of our children. We need to be honest and open about how we fail as a parent and ask our children to forgive us when we sin against them. This kind of transparency is hard, but it is necessary if we want our children to grow up to love the Lord.
You can imagine how some children might react to a parent who defends their actions or denies their failures. That child will probably say, “I can’t talk to my parents about anything. They won’t listen to anything I have to say.”
Resentment will grow in that child because they see your hypocrisy. They’ll think your religion is a sham and they will not want to follow that kind of leadership.
Again, Scripture says that “with pride comes contention.” So we need to recognize the importance of humility and how it goes a long way to creating channels of healthy communication and harmony.
Negativity
Children need encouragement and positive reinforcement. They need to be praised when they do something right, no matter how small. Little milestones should be celebrated and good deeds need to be acknowledged. God’s Word encourages us to be encouragers.
Unfortunately, many parents are nags who constantly focus on the negative. Not that they are simply correcting the wrongs, but they demonstrate an overly critical spirit. The child cleans his room, but the parent only seems to focus on the items that were missed. Maybe they are called out or ridiculed in front of others.
So, to the child, nothing seems to be right. Even the good things they do don’t seem to measure up. Everything could have been done better. Their motives are constantly being questioned as the parent asks, “Why did you do that? What were you thinking?”
We shouldn’t be surprised that a child who is subjected to constant negativity becomes negative themselves. If they do not have the balance of praise and encouragement, they can become anxious, reticent to take on new risks and challenges, or feel the need to constantly prove himself/herself.
What’s worse is that they can have that view of God. God can seem just as judgmental, nit-picky, and lacking any kind of grace.
All in all, too much negativity can have a negative effect upon our children. And we need to be aware that we are called to nurture our children with the warmth of loving affirmation and encouragement.
A sixth way we can provoke our children is by not fostering the family relationship.
Failing to foster the family relationship through time and communication
We live in a day where families are going in lots of different directions. Families don’t take time to spend time together and attempt to build closeness in their relationships.
When I say foster the family relationship, I’m not talking about an occasional vacation either. Some people think that if they carve out a week at the beach then they will have done what is needed to create a close knit family.
But relationships do not survive on yearly retreats. There needs to be time where families dine together and play games together. There needs to be quiet evenings where they can just talk or laugh together over a movie.
These sorts of connections encourage children to share their lives, their struggles, their problems with their parents. Parents can feel connected to their children because they have fostered that connection through intentional time and conversation.
We have to be aware that we can alienate our children. If we are neglecting serious investment of time with our children, we can actually be encouraging them to build closer relationships with their friends than with us. And in the place they will have a growing sense of alienation and animosity towards us.
Another occasion for discouragement is our failing to keep our promises as parents.
Failure to keep one’s promises
One of the tactics that parents use with their kids is the promise which they have no intention of keeping. The promise is made to save some face as a parent. You don’t want to look like a bad parent, so you put them off with a vain promise.
“Dad, will you play ball with me?” Dad doesn’t want to be inconvenienced, but he doesn’t want to say no for fear of turning little Bobby off. So he says, “Later son.”
But if this happens on a regular basis, little Bobby learns that his dad can’t be trusted. Dad isn’t really a man of his word. Or, a worse case scenario is that the ongoing disappointment ends up filling Bobby with a grudge of resentment.
As parents we shouldn’t use promises in a flippant way. Our yes should be yes and our no should be no. As we keep this command in view, our children will be less inclined to feel unloved and cynical.
Another thing that Priolo mentions is not giving children enough freedom.
Not giving children enough freedom
As parents we can stifle our children because we do not allow them to be rewarded for their responsible actions. You may remember the parable of the Talents.
One servant was given 10 talents and another 5. Each of them was faithful to use their money in a wise way and they doubled what they had been given. The master rewarded those servants by giving them more responsibility, which translates into more freedom to serve.
We as parents are to be training up our children in a similar manner. When they show that they are responsible and mature, we are to give them further room to act. They should have more ability to go places and do things.
Sometimes children should have room to fail too. That is part of the parenting process. Our job is to help them when they don’t use their freedom responsibly and guide them into maturity.
As you may know, parents may not be as willing to loosen the leash of their oversight. Their fears may drive them to be overly protective or they may have a slavish regard for their own reputation which doesn’t allow their children room to fail.
But, on the other extreme, we can allow too much freedom.
Allowing too much freedom
Some parents can provoke their children by not giving them good boundaries. They may allow them to practice sin or participate in non sinful activities before demonstrating the appropriate levels of responsibility.
For instance, one time we were talking with a lady who’s son had just turned 16. She mentioned that she needed to get him a car. But we all knew that her son was not very mature. He did notdemonstrate the ability to make wise decisions. What would he do with a car and the freedom it provided? The prospects were not very promising.
So there is a need to restrict a child’s freedom to a point. And granted, that’s a fine line to walk as a parent. You’ll always be needing to evaluate how you do this. But if you are not seeking to gauge it, that can become the occasion for children to be wise in their own eyes or to feel that they have not been properly loved. After all, this involvement and nurture is the expression of parental love.
The last item I would like to highlight is what I might call a generic category. It is any ongoing unbiblical practice.
Persistent Unbiblical Practices.
Priolo lists things like legalism in the home, seeking to apply pop psychology or some other unbiblical methodology. Showing favoritism or having double standards may be some other examples.
There are any number of things that we can do to dishearten our children. As I mentioned, Priolo has a list of 25 different examples. And there’s no doubt there probably could be a lot more.
One of the things that I’d encourage you to do is to take some time and talk with your children about this. Allow them time to express some of the things that you may do that may put them off.
Obviously, some of what they say may be stuff you can ignore. If they say you don’t buy them enough for Christmas, you know that they are off base. But you may find that they have a clearer window into this realm than you do.
Conclusion:
All in all, we are encouraged to remember that parenting is an exercise of self examination. We need always to be examining our own behavior just as much as it is an examination of our children’s behavior.
It certainly should be recognized that we are not going to be perfect as parents. There is a sense in which we do need to trust God. We recognize that God is taking a risk by putting these little creatures under our care in the first place. And we know that no matter how we may try, we are going to fail in many respects. That’s where we need to commend our children to the care of God.
But we do not want to be people who presume upon his grace either. Our goal as parents should be to make every effort to abide by the principle set out here in Ephesians 6:4. We should be making it out aim to be godly parents who do not exacerbate our children or give them cause to be roused to a life of anger.
All in all, there is a healthy portion of our congregation to which these admonitions apply.
We love having families be a part of our congregation. And the words of this verse are so very important for parents to understand. As you go about raising your children, one of the things that is needed is a proper understanding of how to nurture them and guide them.
One of the things that has been so detrimental to the church over the last 50 years is that there has been a lag in this realm. We are told by George Barna that 70% of young people leave the church by the time they are 20 years old. That stat speaks to our need to recapture a Biblical understanding of Christian nurture. If we are going to see that statistic drop, we need to rekindle a biblical philosophy of Christian education.
Martin Luther has said that the church is in danger of dying out every 40 or so years. By that he meant that the torch of faith may easily burn out because it is not passed on to the next generation. He wanted everyone to understand that faith doesn’t just pop into existence. God uses means in preserving his church from one generation to the next. And parental nurture is one of the primary means of doing that.
Perhaps we are familiar with the proverb, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Now, we recognize that this is a proverb and not an absolute promise. It’s talking about how things normally operate. There are always exceptions. And it is a good reminder that this is not a guarantee. But normally, as we train up a child in the ways of God, they will continue to hold to the faith and walk with God throughout their lives.
And that brings us to our passage today. As we begin to think about what constitutes a proper nurture of our children, our passage tells us that we actually do not begin with them. As we build a philosophy of Christian education, Scripture tells us that must begin with ourselves as parents.
Our passage says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.” You may remember that the book of Colossians is the sister epistle. And in Colossians 3 Paul says something similar. He says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart (or be discouraged).”
Paul begins by reminding us that one of the most important element of a child’s development is the conduct of the fathers and the mothers.
Now, you might follow everything else to the T. You might be an expert when it comes to the discipline of your children. You might be right on target when it comes to instructing your children in the Lord. You might have the best possible curriculum. You use the most Scripture based books and all of their math problems are straight from the Bible. If Jesus has 10 lepers and only 1 comes back to say thank you, how many lepers were going to hell? All of that may be good and fine.
But here we are reminded of something that is of greater importance. Here we are reminded of what may be called “the prerequisite” for child nurture: If you do not have the kind of character that a parent should have, then you need to know that you may very well be undermining everything else you are doing. All your discipline and instruction may be for naught.
So the first place to begin, is understanding the role of the teacher. Parents, and especially the fathers, need to make sure that they are not putting impediments in front of their children when it comes to their spiritual development.
Or, when our children are acting out, one of the things that we need to do is evaluate ourselves. Yes, we need to address their behavior and recognize their responsibility, but we also need to make sure that we are not at fault. Because we can actually be part of the problem ourselves. By our example and by our lifestyle, we may be contributing to their wayward behavior.
So the question then becomes, how can parents provoke their children to anger? In what ways may we be exasperating them and causing them to become discouraged? To put it another way, as we evaluate ourselves, what things might we consider changing?
Now, to answer this question, I want you to know that I will be relying heavily upon a book by Lou Priolo entitled “The Heart of Anger,” by Lou Priolo. In this book Priolo lists 25 ways parents can provoke their children. I am going to be borrowing some of the material. I’m not going to go through all 25, but I am going to hit some of the highlights.
So, we can ask ourselves, what ways may we be provoking our children to anger? How may we be exasperating them?
Now, I agree with Priolo when he says that the number one way we can exasperate our children is by a lack of marital harmony.
Lack of Marital Harmony
Earlier we studied how husbands and wives are to “become one flesh.” We discussed the oneness that husbands and wives are to have. That oneness is a loving union where life is shared and they seek to live in accord with one another.
You have to understand that, if this oneness is not being experienced in the home, there can be serious consequences. One of the consequences will be the effect that it has upon the children. To put it another way, when there is constant tension between the parents or when there is bitterness that develops, you can expect that the same tension and bitterness will fill the rest of the home.
Why is it that Billy isn’t getting along with Molly? Maybe it is because mom and dad are not getting along. Why does Johnny seem to be at odds with his authorities? Maybe it is because mom and dad are at odds with God in regards to their oneness.
Think of it this way: the environment that you create by virtue of your own relationship is the seedbed for your children. The seeds will grow only to the extent that the soil in which they are planted is conducive.
So it may be that Dad needs to go to mom and confess how he has not been loving her the way he should. He may need to admit that the union he has had with his work or his play has been more important than the union he has had with his wife. And when that oneness begins to be cultivated, there ends up being more harmony in the rest of the house too.
So remember the importance of marital harmony. And also consider, secondly, your own anger. It should not surprise you that, if you are habitually modeling sinful anger, your children also will be angry.
Habitually Modeling Sinful Anger
The greatest educator is imitation, isn’t it? One’s example is the most influential thing he has. Scripture even keys in on this. Prov. 22 tells us that we must not associate with an angry man, “lest we learn his ways.” (Pr. 22:24-5).
When we don’t solve our problems in a biblical way, it only stands to reason that our children won’t learn how to solve their problems in a God honoring way either. If they see us raising our voices, throwing things, slamming doors, brooding, and walking away from others in frustration, they are not going to learn the skill of talking through things and working out a good solution.
What they will learn is how to dominate someone by intimidation. They’ll learn how to win an argument by means of sheer volume. Or they may learn that if you retreat far enough away and not develop any kind of deep, meaningful friendships, then you won’t have to deal with those problems anymore.
Remember what we studied in chapter 4. We learned all about anger there. We learned that we can give the devil a foothold. That foothold can be had not only in our own lives; it could also be a foothold that he gets in the lives of our entire household. The devil can get a foothold in the lives of our children because they’ve begun to follow in our footsteps.
So we have to consider whether or not we are modeling sinful anger for our kids.
A third provocation can be (what I call) faulty discipline.
Faulty discipline
By faulty discipline I mean that discipline that is too severe, discipline that is inconsistent, or discipline that is too soft.
We are going to talk about discipline in the next portion of our text. So we will expand upon this concept a little.
But you recognize that God has called for parents to be judicious in the discipline of their children. We are to replicate God’s discipline of his children. And you know when God chastises his people, it is always a righteous discipline. It is fair, firm, and fitting the trespass.
And you recognize how we can easily provoke our children if we go askew. If we are too severe (maybe disciplining out of the passion of our anger so that we come down too hard on them), we will exasperate the children. To little and they will not learn self discipline and they will become bratty little snots. If your parenting is not consistent (one day you enforce, and the next day you don’t), your child will be angry because he doesn’t know what really is expected of him. The rules will seem to keep changing and he’s going to be confused as to what is allowed and what isn’t.
As I said, we’ll talk more about discipline in our next message. But here we simply note that if we habitually disciplining in an errant way, we really do set our children up for spiritual failure.
Fourthly, parents who lack humility are giving occasions for anger and discouragement.
A lack of humility
When I say a lack of humility, I mean all forms of pride, but, specifically speaking, I mean failing to confess your sins and ask forgiveness for them.
Scripture tells us that pride comes before a great fall. And sometimes that fall pertains to your household. Just think of King Saul and his relationship to his son, Jonathan. Saul was the epitome of pride. When Samuel came to confront him about his having spared King Agag and taking the plunder when he was commanded to destroy all, Saul wouldn’t admit his wrong. As a result, his reign as king of Israel came falling down.
But it wasn’t just his kingdom that was affected. His household suffered as well. His relationship with his son deteriorated.
As parents, we need to recognize that we are not God. And we need to be willing to admit our faults and own up to them in front of our children. We need to be honest and open about how we fail as a parent and ask our children to forgive us when we sin against them. This kind of transparency is hard, but it is necessary if we want our children to grow up to love the Lord.
You can imagine how some children might react to a parent who defends their actions or denies their failures. That child will probably say, “I can’t talk to my parents about anything. They won’t listen to anything I have to say.”
Resentment will grow in that child because they see your hypocrisy. They’ll think your religion is a sham and they will not want to follow that kind of leadership.
Again, Scripture says that “with pride comes contention.” So we need to recognize the importance of humility and how it goes a long way to creating channels of healthy communication and harmony.
Negativity
Children need encouragement and positive reinforcement. They need to be praised when they do something right, no matter how small. Little milestones should be celebrated and good deeds need to be acknowledged. God’s Word encourages us to be encouragers.
Unfortunately, many parents are nags who constantly focus on the negative. Not that they are simply correcting the wrongs, but they demonstrate an overly critical spirit. The child cleans his room, but the parent only seems to focus on the items that were missed. Maybe they are called out or ridiculed in front of others.
So, to the child, nothing seems to be right. Even the good things they do don’t seem to measure up. Everything could have been done better. Their motives are constantly being questioned as the parent asks, “Why did you do that? What were you thinking?”
We shouldn’t be surprised that a child who is subjected to constant negativity becomes negative themselves. If they do not have the balance of praise and encouragement, they can become anxious, reticent to take on new risks and challenges, or feel the need to constantly prove himself/herself.
What’s worse is that they can have that view of God. God can seem just as judgmental, nit-picky, and lacking any kind of grace.
All in all, too much negativity can have a negative effect upon our children. And we need to be aware that we are called to nurture our children with the warmth of loving affirmation and encouragement.
A sixth way we can provoke our children is by not fostering the family relationship.
Failing to foster the family relationship through time and communication
We live in a day where families are going in lots of different directions. Families don’t take time to spend time together and attempt to build closeness in their relationships.
When I say foster the family relationship, I’m not talking about an occasional vacation either. Some people think that if they carve out a week at the beach then they will have done what is needed to create a close knit family.
But relationships do not survive on yearly retreats. There needs to be time where families dine together and play games together. There needs to be quiet evenings where they can just talk or laugh together over a movie.
These sorts of connections encourage children to share their lives, their struggles, their problems with their parents. Parents can feel connected to their children because they have fostered that connection through intentional time and conversation.
We have to be aware that we can alienate our children. If we are neglecting serious investment of time with our children, we can actually be encouraging them to build closer relationships with their friends than with us. And in the place they will have a growing sense of alienation and animosity towards us.
Another occasion for discouragement is our failing to keep our promises as parents.
Failure to keep one’s promises
One of the tactics that parents use with their kids is the promise which they have no intention of keeping. The promise is made to save some face as a parent. You don’t want to look like a bad parent, so you put them off with a vain promise.
“Dad, will you play ball with me?” Dad doesn’t want to be inconvenienced, but he doesn’t want to say no for fear of turning little Bobby off. So he says, “Later son.”
But if this happens on a regular basis, little Bobby learns that his dad can’t be trusted. Dad isn’t really a man of his word. Or, a worse case scenario is that the ongoing disappointment ends up filling Bobby with a grudge of resentment.
As parents we shouldn’t use promises in a flippant way. Our yes should be yes and our no should be no. As we keep this command in view, our children will be less inclined to feel unloved and cynical.
Another thing that Priolo mentions is not giving children enough freedom.
Not giving children enough freedom
As parents we can stifle our children because we do not allow them to be rewarded for their responsible actions. You may remember the parable of the Talents.
One servant was given 10 talents and another 5. Each of them was faithful to use their money in a wise way and they doubled what they had been given. The master rewarded those servants by giving them more responsibility, which translates into more freedom to serve.
We as parents are to be training up our children in a similar manner. When they show that they are responsible and mature, we are to give them further room to act. They should have more ability to go places and do things.
Sometimes children should have room to fail too. That is part of the parenting process. Our job is to help them when they don’t use their freedom responsibly and guide them into maturity.
As you may know, parents may not be as willing to loosen the leash of their oversight. Their fears may drive them to be overly protective or they may have a slavish regard for their own reputation which doesn’t allow their children room to fail.
But, on the other extreme, we can allow too much freedom.
Allowing too much freedom
Some parents can provoke their children by not giving them good boundaries. They may allow them to practice sin or participate in non sinful activities before demonstrating the appropriate levels of responsibility.
For instance, one time we were talking with a lady who’s son had just turned 16. She mentioned that she needed to get him a car. But we all knew that her son was not very mature. He did notdemonstrate the ability to make wise decisions. What would he do with a car and the freedom it provided? The prospects were not very promising.
So there is a need to restrict a child’s freedom to a point. And granted, that’s a fine line to walk as a parent. You’ll always be needing to evaluate how you do this. But if you are not seeking to gauge it, that can become the occasion for children to be wise in their own eyes or to feel that they have not been properly loved. After all, this involvement and nurture is the expression of parental love.
The last item I would like to highlight is what I might call a generic category. It is any ongoing unbiblical practice.
Persistent Unbiblical Practices.
Priolo lists things like legalism in the home, seeking to apply pop psychology or some other unbiblical methodology. Showing favoritism or having double standards may be some other examples.
There are any number of things that we can do to dishearten our children. As I mentioned, Priolo has a list of 25 different examples. And there’s no doubt there probably could be a lot more.
One of the things that I’d encourage you to do is to take some time and talk with your children about this. Allow them time to express some of the things that you may do that may put them off.
Obviously, some of what they say may be stuff you can ignore. If they say you don’t buy them enough for Christmas, you know that they are off base. But you may find that they have a clearer window into this realm than you do.
Conclusion:
All in all, we are encouraged to remember that parenting is an exercise of self examination. We need always to be examining our own behavior just as much as it is an examination of our children’s behavior.
It certainly should be recognized that we are not going to be perfect as parents. There is a sense in which we do need to trust God. We recognize that God is taking a risk by putting these little creatures under our care in the first place. And we know that no matter how we may try, we are going to fail in many respects. That’s where we need to commend our children to the care of God.
But we do not want to be people who presume upon his grace either. Our goal as parents should be to make every effort to abide by the principle set out here in Ephesians 6:4. We should be making it out aim to be godly parents who do not exacerbate our children or give them cause to be roused to a life of anger.