The Obedience of Children to their Parents
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Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”
Ephesians 6:1-3 Message begins at approx. the 30 min mark.
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For the last several weeks we have been looking at what constitutes a Christian home. We’ve looked at the husband wife relationship and have sought to break that down as clearly as possible the roles that they have in the home.
But now we turn to the other part of the household; that of the children. And, in due time, we will look at the parents. What we find here is that there are certain expectations that God has for both parents and children. Moms and Dads and their children all have different roles to fulfill.
This morning, we are going to be dealing with the role of children. And you see from our passage that their role is similar to the wife’s role. Just as the wife is to be in submission to her husband, children are to be obedient to their parents.
Now, one might think that Paul emphasizes this because he has just said that a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife. Paul now comes back and says, “Don’t think that you can just discard the parent child relationship.”
Yes, there will come a time when a man will come out from under his parent’s nurture and be expected to vie for himself. But, until that time, you have to recognize that you can’t be seeking to do your own thing. So long as you are under your parent’s care and living in their house, you must obey them.
And he spells this out in the first three verses of our passage this morning. So what I’d like us to do this morning is to think about what Paul says about a child’s obedience.
Now, I had a little fun with this this past week. I told my children that if you acted out, I would use you in an illustration. Then I though, maybe I should send out an email and ask all the parents to send me their requests. Maybe we could just pile on.
Actually, our passage this morning has quite a bit that we can learn about obedience in the home. As a matter of fact, there are 4 points that it makes.
And the first thing we can talk about is its nature. When it comes to a child’s obedience to his parents, what is it like? You are supposed to obey, but what exactly does that mean?
I. Its nature
Our passage doesn’t just tell you to obey, it helps you understand the essence of what it means to obey.
There are two words in this passage that should help you understand the kind of obedience that you are to render. I’ll start with the second one. It’s in verse 2 and it is the word “honor.”
The Greek word that Paul uses literally means “to prize” or “to value.” To honor your parents means that you value them and see their words as having some worth. This is actually a very good way to translate the Hebrew. Because the Hebrew word for honor is the work Kavod, which means “heavy.” You honor your parents in the Hebrew sense is to see them as having weight.
You think here of weights and scales. In the ancient world they wouldn’t have a cash register at the checkout counter. They would have a scale. And you would put your coins in the scale and you would see the lever drop. It was heavy and therefore it had value.
So in the biblical sense, when your mom says, “You need to go clean your room,” before you take action, those words have to have real significance to you. You have to value those words. You have to value the person who speaks those words.
When you do not obey, you understand what is really happening. When you do not obey, you are saying that these words are a light thing. They are meaningless to me. More specifically, you are saying, “You are worthless.”
Obedience, above anything else, is a measurement. It is a measurement of what kind of regard you have for your authorities. If you value your parents and see them as God’s provision for your life, then that will have a direct impact upon your actions.
The other word that is used in our passage is the word “obey.” Paul says that Children are to obey their parents.
This word “obey” is also one that is important to key in upon. It is the Greek word hupakouo and it literally means “to hear under.” The idea is that you subordinate yourself. It means you listen, and recognize that you are under that authority. Those words are over you as an authority.
That’s what obedience is. It means listening in such a way that you hear the words that are spoken. You place yourself under those words.
Let me give you a little example or two here of what I’m really trying to say. Mom comes in and says that she needs to talk to you. She wants to give you a list of chores. Meanwhile you have your earpods in and the music is playing. Or you have your nose in a book that you’re reading and mom’s words sound like the adults on the Peanuts cartoons “Wha, wha, wha, wha.” To which you respond by saying, “uh huh.”
Now, the possibility of there being true and real obedience in that situation is minimal. You did not hear the person talking to you. You did not really listen to them. The reason is because the words were not seen as having any real weight. You did not put any value on that which was spoken or the one who was speaking. You put more value on the book or the entertainment. And therefore, the action that follows is not going to be a putting oneself under the words.
All of this is to show what God really means when the Bible speaks of obedience. As a child, your duty is to obey your parents. You are to honor your parents. And you see here a lot of the ingredients that really make up God honoring obedience. And it is really important that you grasp those concepts if you are going to fulfill what God wants you to do here.
If you are going to honor God you need to understand a little about the nature of the obedience to which he has called you. But you’ll notice that our passage also mentions the objects of your obedience.
II. Its objects
Notice who the objects of this obedience are. Paul says, “Children are to obey their parents.” This is plural. It is both mom and dad.
Now, there you might not feel like there’s anything really important here. It might sound like a no brainer. But I want you to think about the fun little games that kids often play.
Kids will sometimes obey dad because he spanks harder. Mom doesn’t enforce things quite as well as dad does. And so I don’t subject myself to mom as readily. Dad, you don’t mess around with him. But mom, you can argue a little with; you can give some push back, and you can procrastinate a little longer.
The object of your obedience there has not respected the standard that God has laid down. You are picking and choosing who you obey, aren’t you? You are now making your obedience based on who you deem to be more of a threat.
Here’s another scenario. I go and ask mom if I can go to Jimmy’s house. She says no. But you then go to Dad because you know that he’s much more “reasonable.” You know that dad may have a different opinion. Dad is not always as strict as mom is. So you ask dad if you can go to Jimmy’s house and he says yes.
What just happened there? You did an end run around mom. You didn’t like what mom said; so you went to dad. Instead of putting listening and putting yourself under the words of mom, you put yourself under dad - not because you want to be obedient, but because you wanted to get your way.
Let’s do one more scenario: Mom and dad have gotten divorced. Dad lives on one side of the town and mom lives on the other side. Mom or dad gets remarried. Now you have a step mom or a step dad. Your step dad has different rules than your biological dad; they are rules you don’t like. They are rules that you don’t particularly want to obey. They are not unbiblical rules, they are just a little tighter; a bit more stringent than what biological dad has as his rules.
So, for instance, your biological dad says you need to be home by 9:30. But your step dad says you need to be in by 9. Now, a lot of times there will be a tendency to say, “You’re not my dad.” And make that an excuse not to obey.
But so long as you are in that house, that is your dad. Your mom has married him and he has become the head of that home. And you need to honor him as one of your parents. His word needs to be over you because he is now over you.
Now, there are a lot of different scenarios that we could come up with. But these will illustrate the point that the Lord is making. God says that a child must honor and obey his parents; both his mother and his father. There’s no playing them against each other or picking one over the other. Your will is to submit to their will and not the other way around.
With that we can move to the third point that we can pull from this passage. We’ve talked about the nature of our obedience and the objects of it. Let’s be sure not skip over the manner of our obedience.
III. Its manner
Our passage says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord.”
This little phrase “in the Lord” should not be something that we skip over. It’s actually quite important. And it is important because it shows us how we are to obey.
First of all, you have to understand that this puts some limitations on how far you go in obeying your parents. In other words, your parents do not have absolute authority and they cannot command you to do certain things. If they want you to do something that goes against the Bible, then you have a right and an obligation to not obey them on that point.
One commentator says this:
No parent can have a right to require a child to steal, or lie, or cheat… or in doing any other wrong thing. No parent has a right to forbid a child to pray, to read the Bible, to worship God, or to make a profession of faith… In all cases, God is to be obeyed rather than man.
There have been parents who have abused their authority and they have sought to have their kids help cover up certain things. Something happens and dad says, “Don’t tell mommy about this; this will be our little secret.” But it is actually something that mom definitely needs to know. Maybe you broke her special tea cup. You and dad were playing around and you ended up knocking it over. Instead of confessing that to mom, Dad tells you not to say anything. So you are now involved in a cover up and you are lying to her.
That’s a simple little example, and you realize that there are many more things that have even more significance. There are greater sins that parents can try to have children cover up or not talk about. In these kinds of instances you should understand that you may need to disobey your parents so that you can obey God.
So we realize that there are some limitations on how far parents can go in requiring obedience. But when it says that children are to obey in the lord, it’s not just setting a limitation, it is also setting an expectation.
Typically your parents will ask you to do certain things that are not in any way unbiblical. The problem is that you may not want to do it. That’s why you need to come back to this phrase “in the Lord.” Because it also indicates what kind of spirit you are expected to show when asked to do something. It is saying that when you are called to obey, you should do so with a spirit of cheerfulness. You should obey promptly and without giving any kind of grief.
So, how are you to obey? You obey in so far as God allows and in the way God requires.
Let me give you another example: Dad says, “Johnny, it is time for you to do the dishes.” Johnny responds by having a meltdown. Or maybe Johnny goes and does the dishes, but he stomps off towards the kitchen huffing and puffing. He’s making it known that he does not want to do the dishes right now.
Now, if the house was on fire and your parents were telling you that you need to go do the dishes, that would be a time to object and be angry. But if you are just missing your TV show or feeling a little inconvenienced by the fact that it’s time for you to do the dishes, that’s not a time to be all disgruntled.
To obey ‘in the Lord’ means that you attempt to take joy in your obedience. You are to try and show the best possible attitude. In other words, your actions that should be honorable, it’s the heart with which you do it.
So you see how important this little phrase “in the Lord” is. It is important because, on the one hand, it sets some boundaries. And on the other hand, it shows you what true obedience really entails. It calls you to more than just outward action; it calls you to the inward life that the Lord requires.
Well, there’s a fourth thing that our passage talks about. We’ve looked at the nature and the objects of obedience. We’ve talked a little about how we are to obey. A good place to end is by noting the benefits of your obedience.
IV. Its benefits
In verses 2 and 3 Paul points out that this is the first commandment with a promise. The promise of this command is that you will have long life.
I know some of you grew up with Billy Joel. And if you are a Billy Joel fan, you know that he says that “Only the good die young.” It’s obvious that Billy Joel wasn’t reading his bible. And he certainly wasn’t looking at the statistics.
Those who are evil, tend to have shorter lives. Those people are typically evil because they do not take to heart the instruction of their parents. Or maybe they didn’t have good parents who would teach them how to live an upright life.
The fact remains that those who learn discipline early on and follow the instruction their parents give them tend to enjoy a longer life in this world.
Now, we recognize that there are some exceptions to this rule. There are some people who are very obedient who end up passing away rather early in life. But those are typically the exceptions.
Ordinarily this is how God operates. Those who are obedient to their parents typically live longer. God’s normal way of working is to bless you with a lot of birthdays.
All in all, this is just a reminder of God’s rule over all things and how he honors those who honor him. God is the sustainer of life. He determines the length of our days. He says when we will be born, and he appoints the day when we will pass away. And we remember that Jesus said that not one sparrow will fall to the ground without the will of our Father in heaven.
So taking all that together, you have here a good motivation to obey your parents. You can be assured that God will reward you. He will extend your life and allow you to have added years of fruitfulness.
Of course, this promise of long life has a hint of something greater. It is reminding us that God is the Life giver. And the life that he gives is not merely one of longevity and aging. Growing old and having to endure through the aches and pains and sorrows of this world may not be something to look forward to.
That’s why you recognize that this has in its purview that eternal life that God grants. In sum, if you are obedient to your parents, it is likely going to mean that you are a soul who is trusting in the Lord. Your faith is responding to his promise and seeking to be faithful to God by obeying his commandments. And as a result of this faith, you will be granted eternal life. To that end, you will enjoy years without number. On the day when you turn 533,000, you will confess, God has been true to his word. He has blessed me with with life in the land he promised to give me.
Which leads to the last point that needs to be made in regard to this passage. And that has to do with the motive of your obedience.
V. Its Motive
Young people, I do not want you to walk out of here thinking, God wants me to be a good boy. And if I obey my parents, he will love me. That’s not what this passage is saying at all. This is not the training ground for little pharisees. God is calling you to obey as a result of the gospel.
Remember that this passage comes after Paul has said, “He has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places. This passage comes after Paul’s having said that “we have redemption in his blood, the forgiveness of sins.” This call to obedience comes after his having said that it was “by his grace that he has saved us through faith, and not of works.”
Too often this passage is preached to children and it is forgotten that Jesus has died for sinner, of which you children are included. This passage is preached as a means of getting you to be good little boys and girls. But the context tells us that that approach is wrong.
Your motive to obey shouldn’t be out of a sense of guilt or because it is “just what God requires.” You obey your parents because of Jesus. He, in his life, obeyed his parents. Both his heavenly father and his earthly parents. And he did so in order to redeem you and bring his grace to bear on your life.
It is out of his mercy that he extends these commands. He calls you to respond to his saving love, by subjecting yourself to your parents and willingly fulfilling your role as one who is under their authority.
May you always see this whole epistle as being written to you, and not just these three verses.
But now we turn to the other part of the household; that of the children. And, in due time, we will look at the parents. What we find here is that there are certain expectations that God has for both parents and children. Moms and Dads and their children all have different roles to fulfill.
This morning, we are going to be dealing with the role of children. And you see from our passage that their role is similar to the wife’s role. Just as the wife is to be in submission to her husband, children are to be obedient to their parents.
Now, one might think that Paul emphasizes this because he has just said that a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife. Paul now comes back and says, “Don’t think that you can just discard the parent child relationship.”
Yes, there will come a time when a man will come out from under his parent’s nurture and be expected to vie for himself. But, until that time, you have to recognize that you can’t be seeking to do your own thing. So long as you are under your parent’s care and living in their house, you must obey them.
And he spells this out in the first three verses of our passage this morning. So what I’d like us to do this morning is to think about what Paul says about a child’s obedience.
Now, I had a little fun with this this past week. I told my children that if you acted out, I would use you in an illustration. Then I though, maybe I should send out an email and ask all the parents to send me their requests. Maybe we could just pile on.
Actually, our passage this morning has quite a bit that we can learn about obedience in the home. As a matter of fact, there are 4 points that it makes.
And the first thing we can talk about is its nature. When it comes to a child’s obedience to his parents, what is it like? You are supposed to obey, but what exactly does that mean?
I. Its nature
Our passage doesn’t just tell you to obey, it helps you understand the essence of what it means to obey.
There are two words in this passage that should help you understand the kind of obedience that you are to render. I’ll start with the second one. It’s in verse 2 and it is the word “honor.”
The Greek word that Paul uses literally means “to prize” or “to value.” To honor your parents means that you value them and see their words as having some worth. This is actually a very good way to translate the Hebrew. Because the Hebrew word for honor is the work Kavod, which means “heavy.” You honor your parents in the Hebrew sense is to see them as having weight.
You think here of weights and scales. In the ancient world they wouldn’t have a cash register at the checkout counter. They would have a scale. And you would put your coins in the scale and you would see the lever drop. It was heavy and therefore it had value.
So in the biblical sense, when your mom says, “You need to go clean your room,” before you take action, those words have to have real significance to you. You have to value those words. You have to value the person who speaks those words.
When you do not obey, you understand what is really happening. When you do not obey, you are saying that these words are a light thing. They are meaningless to me. More specifically, you are saying, “You are worthless.”
Obedience, above anything else, is a measurement. It is a measurement of what kind of regard you have for your authorities. If you value your parents and see them as God’s provision for your life, then that will have a direct impact upon your actions.
The other word that is used in our passage is the word “obey.” Paul says that Children are to obey their parents.
This word “obey” is also one that is important to key in upon. It is the Greek word hupakouo and it literally means “to hear under.” The idea is that you subordinate yourself. It means you listen, and recognize that you are under that authority. Those words are over you as an authority.
That’s what obedience is. It means listening in such a way that you hear the words that are spoken. You place yourself under those words.
Let me give you a little example or two here of what I’m really trying to say. Mom comes in and says that she needs to talk to you. She wants to give you a list of chores. Meanwhile you have your earpods in and the music is playing. Or you have your nose in a book that you’re reading and mom’s words sound like the adults on the Peanuts cartoons “Wha, wha, wha, wha.” To which you respond by saying, “uh huh.”
Now, the possibility of there being true and real obedience in that situation is minimal. You did not hear the person talking to you. You did not really listen to them. The reason is because the words were not seen as having any real weight. You did not put any value on that which was spoken or the one who was speaking. You put more value on the book or the entertainment. And therefore, the action that follows is not going to be a putting oneself under the words.
All of this is to show what God really means when the Bible speaks of obedience. As a child, your duty is to obey your parents. You are to honor your parents. And you see here a lot of the ingredients that really make up God honoring obedience. And it is really important that you grasp those concepts if you are going to fulfill what God wants you to do here.
If you are going to honor God you need to understand a little about the nature of the obedience to which he has called you. But you’ll notice that our passage also mentions the objects of your obedience.
II. Its objects
Notice who the objects of this obedience are. Paul says, “Children are to obey their parents.” This is plural. It is both mom and dad.
Now, there you might not feel like there’s anything really important here. It might sound like a no brainer. But I want you to think about the fun little games that kids often play.
Kids will sometimes obey dad because he spanks harder. Mom doesn’t enforce things quite as well as dad does. And so I don’t subject myself to mom as readily. Dad, you don’t mess around with him. But mom, you can argue a little with; you can give some push back, and you can procrastinate a little longer.
The object of your obedience there has not respected the standard that God has laid down. You are picking and choosing who you obey, aren’t you? You are now making your obedience based on who you deem to be more of a threat.
Here’s another scenario. I go and ask mom if I can go to Jimmy’s house. She says no. But you then go to Dad because you know that he’s much more “reasonable.” You know that dad may have a different opinion. Dad is not always as strict as mom is. So you ask dad if you can go to Jimmy’s house and he says yes.
What just happened there? You did an end run around mom. You didn’t like what mom said; so you went to dad. Instead of putting listening and putting yourself under the words of mom, you put yourself under dad - not because you want to be obedient, but because you wanted to get your way.
Let’s do one more scenario: Mom and dad have gotten divorced. Dad lives on one side of the town and mom lives on the other side. Mom or dad gets remarried. Now you have a step mom or a step dad. Your step dad has different rules than your biological dad; they are rules you don’t like. They are rules that you don’t particularly want to obey. They are not unbiblical rules, they are just a little tighter; a bit more stringent than what biological dad has as his rules.
So, for instance, your biological dad says you need to be home by 9:30. But your step dad says you need to be in by 9. Now, a lot of times there will be a tendency to say, “You’re not my dad.” And make that an excuse not to obey.
But so long as you are in that house, that is your dad. Your mom has married him and he has become the head of that home. And you need to honor him as one of your parents. His word needs to be over you because he is now over you.
Now, there are a lot of different scenarios that we could come up with. But these will illustrate the point that the Lord is making. God says that a child must honor and obey his parents; both his mother and his father. There’s no playing them against each other or picking one over the other. Your will is to submit to their will and not the other way around.
With that we can move to the third point that we can pull from this passage. We’ve talked about the nature of our obedience and the objects of it. Let’s be sure not skip over the manner of our obedience.
III. Its manner
Our passage says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord.”
This little phrase “in the Lord” should not be something that we skip over. It’s actually quite important. And it is important because it shows us how we are to obey.
First of all, you have to understand that this puts some limitations on how far you go in obeying your parents. In other words, your parents do not have absolute authority and they cannot command you to do certain things. If they want you to do something that goes against the Bible, then you have a right and an obligation to not obey them on that point.
One commentator says this:
No parent can have a right to require a child to steal, or lie, or cheat… or in doing any other wrong thing. No parent has a right to forbid a child to pray, to read the Bible, to worship God, or to make a profession of faith… In all cases, God is to be obeyed rather than man.
There have been parents who have abused their authority and they have sought to have their kids help cover up certain things. Something happens and dad says, “Don’t tell mommy about this; this will be our little secret.” But it is actually something that mom definitely needs to know. Maybe you broke her special tea cup. You and dad were playing around and you ended up knocking it over. Instead of confessing that to mom, Dad tells you not to say anything. So you are now involved in a cover up and you are lying to her.
That’s a simple little example, and you realize that there are many more things that have even more significance. There are greater sins that parents can try to have children cover up or not talk about. In these kinds of instances you should understand that you may need to disobey your parents so that you can obey God.
So we realize that there are some limitations on how far parents can go in requiring obedience. But when it says that children are to obey in the lord, it’s not just setting a limitation, it is also setting an expectation.
Typically your parents will ask you to do certain things that are not in any way unbiblical. The problem is that you may not want to do it. That’s why you need to come back to this phrase “in the Lord.” Because it also indicates what kind of spirit you are expected to show when asked to do something. It is saying that when you are called to obey, you should do so with a spirit of cheerfulness. You should obey promptly and without giving any kind of grief.
So, how are you to obey? You obey in so far as God allows and in the way God requires.
Let me give you another example: Dad says, “Johnny, it is time for you to do the dishes.” Johnny responds by having a meltdown. Or maybe Johnny goes and does the dishes, but he stomps off towards the kitchen huffing and puffing. He’s making it known that he does not want to do the dishes right now.
Now, if the house was on fire and your parents were telling you that you need to go do the dishes, that would be a time to object and be angry. But if you are just missing your TV show or feeling a little inconvenienced by the fact that it’s time for you to do the dishes, that’s not a time to be all disgruntled.
To obey ‘in the Lord’ means that you attempt to take joy in your obedience. You are to try and show the best possible attitude. In other words, your actions that should be honorable, it’s the heart with which you do it.
So you see how important this little phrase “in the Lord” is. It is important because, on the one hand, it sets some boundaries. And on the other hand, it shows you what true obedience really entails. It calls you to more than just outward action; it calls you to the inward life that the Lord requires.
Well, there’s a fourth thing that our passage talks about. We’ve looked at the nature and the objects of obedience. We’ve talked a little about how we are to obey. A good place to end is by noting the benefits of your obedience.
IV. Its benefits
In verses 2 and 3 Paul points out that this is the first commandment with a promise. The promise of this command is that you will have long life.
I know some of you grew up with Billy Joel. And if you are a Billy Joel fan, you know that he says that “Only the good die young.” It’s obvious that Billy Joel wasn’t reading his bible. And he certainly wasn’t looking at the statistics.
Those who are evil, tend to have shorter lives. Those people are typically evil because they do not take to heart the instruction of their parents. Or maybe they didn’t have good parents who would teach them how to live an upright life.
The fact remains that those who learn discipline early on and follow the instruction their parents give them tend to enjoy a longer life in this world.
Now, we recognize that there are some exceptions to this rule. There are some people who are very obedient who end up passing away rather early in life. But those are typically the exceptions.
Ordinarily this is how God operates. Those who are obedient to their parents typically live longer. God’s normal way of working is to bless you with a lot of birthdays.
All in all, this is just a reminder of God’s rule over all things and how he honors those who honor him. God is the sustainer of life. He determines the length of our days. He says when we will be born, and he appoints the day when we will pass away. And we remember that Jesus said that not one sparrow will fall to the ground without the will of our Father in heaven.
So taking all that together, you have here a good motivation to obey your parents. You can be assured that God will reward you. He will extend your life and allow you to have added years of fruitfulness.
Of course, this promise of long life has a hint of something greater. It is reminding us that God is the Life giver. And the life that he gives is not merely one of longevity and aging. Growing old and having to endure through the aches and pains and sorrows of this world may not be something to look forward to.
That’s why you recognize that this has in its purview that eternal life that God grants. In sum, if you are obedient to your parents, it is likely going to mean that you are a soul who is trusting in the Lord. Your faith is responding to his promise and seeking to be faithful to God by obeying his commandments. And as a result of this faith, you will be granted eternal life. To that end, you will enjoy years without number. On the day when you turn 533,000, you will confess, God has been true to his word. He has blessed me with with life in the land he promised to give me.
Which leads to the last point that needs to be made in regard to this passage. And that has to do with the motive of your obedience.
V. Its Motive
Young people, I do not want you to walk out of here thinking, God wants me to be a good boy. And if I obey my parents, he will love me. That’s not what this passage is saying at all. This is not the training ground for little pharisees. God is calling you to obey as a result of the gospel.
Remember that this passage comes after Paul has said, “He has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places. This passage comes after Paul’s having said that “we have redemption in his blood, the forgiveness of sins.” This call to obedience comes after his having said that it was “by his grace that he has saved us through faith, and not of works.”
Too often this passage is preached to children and it is forgotten that Jesus has died for sinner, of which you children are included. This passage is preached as a means of getting you to be good little boys and girls. But the context tells us that that approach is wrong.
Your motive to obey shouldn’t be out of a sense of guilt or because it is “just what God requires.” You obey your parents because of Jesus. He, in his life, obeyed his parents. Both his heavenly father and his earthly parents. And he did so in order to redeem you and bring his grace to bear on your life.
It is out of his mercy that he extends these commands. He calls you to respond to his saving love, by subjecting yourself to your parents and willingly fulfilling your role as one who is under their authority.
May you always see this whole epistle as being written to you, and not just these three verses.