Oneness in Marriage
Ephesians 5:31-33
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“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
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Over the last couple of weeks we have been doing a study on marriage. We have seen that within the marriage relationship God has established different roles for husbands and wives .
Some of you may remember the very first sermon I gave. Maybe you will remember what I said in introducing these roles. I quoted Jay Adams and said that those who do not understand these roles will not only have a much more difficult time solving the problems that they have, they will likely have many more problems to solve.
Many problems develop in a relationship because these roles have been neglected or reversed. One of the things that you have to do is sort out what role you have. Once you do that, you will find that you will sort out many of your problems.
I hope that in looking at these roles, you have become better equipped to relate to one another and find this to be true.
This morning, we are diving a little further into the topic of marriage. In the passage before us we are made to consider the unique character of marriage. In marriage, the two parties have different roles to fulfill, but we should also remember that the husband and wife form a unique relationship. As our passage says, the two are to become one.
Paul had just said that husbands should love their own wives as he loves himself. That led him to draw the analogy that Christ loves us because he loves his own body. We Christians are his body; he loves us because we are united to him.
That launches Paul into another little discussion. He begins a teaching section about the radical union that husbands and wives share. As he talks about the oneness that we Christians have with Christ it causes him to delve into the oneness that exists between a husband and wife.
And in our passage he expounds on this oneness. And he makes three distinct points. He first outlines the basic principles of marital oneness. After that he touts its greater reality, and then he renders its ultimate objectives.
A couple months ago, Mike had opportunity to fill the pulpit. In his message he talked about the oneness that exists between a husband and wife. He talked about how God created Adam in the beginning. But God saw that it was not good for him to be alone. So God put him to sleep. And while he was asleep, God tore him apart. He ripped a rib right out of Adam’s side. And with that rib he created a woman, Eve. Then he brought that woman to Adam. And then a very odd thing happened, the one which had become two, became one again. The two became one flesh. The fission resulted in a fusion.
This is one of the most unique things that we Christians believe about marriage. This concept is basically foreign to the world outside of Christianity. But it is an important one if you want to have a good marriage.
We live in a day where couples see themselves as radical equals. The individuality of the woman and the man rules the day. Yes, they may live in the same house. They may share the same bed. But in most respects, they see themselves as distinct entities. The emphasize their individuality. And because of this a lot of marriages struggle. Many marriages fail. And it is precisely because they have no concept of this oneness that is supposed to characterize marriage.
When we think about marriage, we are to understand that there is a deep connection that exists between a husband and wife. Scripture speaks of our becoming one flesh. And it means that there is a new status that is formed; a relationship that is to be closer and stronger than any other kind of human relationship. To put it another way, when we think of marriage, we should think of it as a true uniting of persons. They by no means lose their individuality as persons, but the relationship brings them together in such a way that we can call them “one.”
Our passage this morning deals with that fusion that occurs. And it begins in verse 31 by outlining the basic principles regarding this oneness.
I. Its basic principles [31]
In verse 31 Paul quotes from the opening chapters of the book of Genesis. He says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
You will notice that there are three basic principles which are laid down in this verse. There must be a leaving, a cleaving, and radical uniting of the persons in which the two become one flesh.
Now, you understand that all three of these things are talking about the unique relationship that is formed by a marriage. When a man and a woman are married, they form their own distinct entity. They become a new family. And thus, the first thing that happens in a marriage is that there is a separation. The ties that the couple had to their father and mother are severed. There’s a break in the home that happens.
Now we know that the husband and wife remain sons and daughters. But this is saying that there is a radical change in the parent-child relationship. The husband and wife must leave their father and mother and change the way they relate to them.
And this is one of the basic principles that you must recognize if you want to have a good marriage. That goes for parents and their children. There must be a distinct leaving that occurs. Not only is there to be a physical a separation where they move out of their parent’s house, but there should also be an emotional separation, a financial separation, and even an intellectual separation. In sum, there needs to be a distinct graduation from the home so that this couple can be united together and form their own home.
A lot of problems can result if we do not follow this principle. For instance, a daughter should realize that her counsel and support needs to be in her husband, and not her parents. Perhaps she’s always been daddy’s little girl. Or maybe she always had a tight relationship with her mother and got her advice and support from her mother.
Now, its not that her parents can’t be consulted, but Suzzie isn’t to go running to mom or dad anymore for everything. She now is to take her problems and questions to her husband. They need to confer about life together and find their encouragement and support in their spouse.
If she doesn’t, you will find that there are going to be sore tensions that rise in the relationship. That’s because it is going against God’s design for marriage.
And parents, this is very important that you set these boundaries. You must raise them and then set them free. I could give you examples of couples who have had overly involved mother-in-laws or fathers who were not able to easily give up their ties to their daughters. And this caused many tensions between the husband and wife and between the new couple and the imposing parents.
However, I will simply point out what the Scripture says right here. When a man and woman are joined together, they must leave his father and mother. This is so very vital for a successful marriage.
The second thing that must happen is that the couple must be joined together. As with the leaving, there must also be a cleaving.
I like the original language here. The Greek word is proskollao and it literally means “to be glued.” Paul is saying you need to stick together. To put it another way, your spouse needs to become the primary thing in your life.
Paul is saying that you bond together in such a way that your spouse takes a priority over everything else in your life and your life. You are welded together so acutely that your spouse takes precedence over your work, your friends, and even over your children.
Now, understand that God has created the home in such a way that the children revolve around the parents, and not the other way around. There have been many homes that have been wrecked because the husband-wife relationship has not been the primary relationship in the house. The kids have taken priority and their activities end up jamming the weekly schedule so that the couple never sees each other. Or the family business takes precedent, and the wife feels like she’s a third wheel because the man has (for all intents and purposes) married his work.
But you are not to cleave to your children or to your work or to anything else. You become united to your spouse and you must not let anything else come between you. He or she is to be your priority, your teammate, your partner.
There can be many things that get between a husband and wife. Satan would like nothing more than to drive some wedge in there. He would like marriages to become unglued, as it were.
But husbands and wives must understand that the greatest happiness comes as they make it their aim to cleave; to be fused together in the strongest of bonds.
Which leads to the third principle that is laid down in this verse. Paul says that the two should become “one flesh.”
Now again, when Scripture talks about the union of marriage, it recognizes that there is to be a complete identification of the persons. No longer are they to be recognized as separate entities. Their lives are to be so bound up in each others that, despite being two distinct individuals, they actually share a radical, personal union.
This is often talked about in regards to the sexual relationship. There is that passage in 1 Corinthians where Paul talks about being united to a harlot and how they become one flesh. There is a uniting that happens. No matter how much Hollywood would like to deny it and promote sexual promiscuity, the truth stands that physical intimacy creates a bond that supersedes physical contact.
But we should recognize that the oneness that a husband and wife are to have is more than merely sexual. It is to be a uniting of persons in every possible way. Their decisions, their lives, their dreams, their goals--everything is to be, as it were, merged.
One of the things I tell couples is that they should plan on having one bank account. There shouldn’t be his and her money. They should be in agreement when it comes to how their money is utilized--whether it is saved or spent. That’s just one example of how the couple practices their oneness. There are many more things that could be mentioned.
But you see here three distinct principles that are to govern the relationship. And it all boils down to one basic thing: Husbands and wives are to realize that they are united in a unique communion. They are to think of themselves as one. And they are to act as if they are one. All they have and all that they are are to be shared together and nothing is to infringe upon this relationship.
If you understand that, then your marriage will be well set. It will be a blessed relationship that flourishes in every possible way. Indeed, that is the way God has designed it.
We move then to the second item in our passage. After Paul outlines the basic principles of marital oneness, he speaks of its greater reality.
II. Its greater reality [32]
I’ve mentioned before how Paul seems to get his lines blurred throughout this discussion. As he talks about husbands, he naturally refers to the love that Christ has for the church. But as he expounds upon that love, you begin to wonder if he gets sidetracked. Is he talking about husbands or is he talking about Christ?
Here in verse 32, you almost have to read it a couple times to see if you missed something. You think he is talking about husbands and wives. For he says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” But then he follows that with verse 32, which says, “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”
So you wonder, which is it? Are we talking about marriage or are we talking theology?
Well, in Paul’s mind the two are hard to distinguish. It’s as if the marriage bond is so inexplicably great that you can’t help but say that its mirror image is found in Christ and the church.
One pastor put it this way: At the beginning of time, God created the institution of marriage. And the reason he did so was because he wanted to give the best possible illustration of the grandiose bond that exists between Christ and his church.
All in all, when you look at Christian marriage, you should see a commentary on Christ and his church. When you look at Christ and the church, you should see what marriage is to be.
And I think that is what is being communicated here. The relationship between Christ and the church is the fullest expression of what marriage is to be. It is the ideal to which all marriages are to be striving. It is the template which all marriages are to be patterned after.
It is often said that students fail to progress in their academic studies, not because they are unintelligent, but because the expectations are low. You might say that the students are actually achieving what was expected because the teacher never set the bar all that high.
By contrast, there have been various educators who have had exceedingly high expectations and they find that the students (in most cases) rise to the occasion.
This may very well be why many marriages fail or falter. Many people find that their marriages are not excelling or not as satisfying as they were meant to be. They are not happy being married.
The reason why they are so unhappy is because they are not seeking to make their marriage align with its ultimate reality. They are not seeking to conform their marriage to the intimate kind of relationship that exists between Christ and his church.
A marriage will only be truly satisfying in so far as it achieves and recognizes the goals for which it is designed.
So, if you believe your marriage needs to be improved, this is the best advice you can follow. You should seek to find ways in which your relationship is not expressing this oneness. Or, to put it another way, how can your relationship better reflect the greater reality to which it is supposed to point?
When it comes to our relationship with Christ there is a unique relationship that exists. There is a mystical union; a spiritual union that occurs. The Holy Spirit comes into our lives and we get to be the recipients of all that Christ has done in regards to his work as mediator. His life was and is directed all towards us. Even now he stands at God’s right hand--and even though he is away from us, he is actively working for us. His thoughts are on us.
Our response as His people is to trust in him and live for him. We aim to glorify him and walk with him in obedience to his word.
Likewise, a husband’s life is to be bound up in his wife’s. Her life is to be wrapped up in his. And as they share their lives together and imitate Christ and his church, they find that God’s blessing comes to rest upon them.
So, when it comes to the oneness of marriage, we see here the basic principles that are to govern it and the ultimate reality to which it is supposed to point. Our text ends by laying out the basic objectives that come as a result of this oneness.
III. Its ultimate objectives [33]
Paul says in verse 33. “let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
Now, I might begin by saying that some of our versions will start verse 33 with the word “however” or “nevertheless.” I would like to suggest that these may not be the best words. Those words make it sound like there is no connection between verse 32 and verse 33.
The Greek word can mean those things. But it can also be translated, “Moreover.” I think that the idea would be something like this. Since Christ and the church signify what marriage is to be, all the more reason that each of you love his wife and that wives should respect their husbands.
I believe Paul is drawing a conclusion. This oneness that you have--this oneness that replicates the oneness that Christ has with his church, demands that you fulfill the role God has given you all that much more. When you think about oneness and the greater reality of your oneness, you should be all that much more motivated to love your wife and exercise that honor that is fitting to your role as a wife.
Last week I mentioned the selfishness that we have for ourselves. I then gave the illustration of cutting a piece of pie and how we would fudge the cut if we had the chance. Well, throughout this thanksgiving week I had various opportunities to look at all kinds of very desirable pies. And every time I looked at those pies I remembered my own illustration about selfishness. I thought about how I as a husband am called to love my wife. I wonder if now every time I see a pie I am going to have this association. Pie has now become the sacrament which points to the love I am supposed to have for my wife.
Well, it did not matter how full my stomach was, nor did it matter that I was given very satisfying portions of the tasty dessert, I came out to that kitchen and saw the pies sitting there. I am not saying that it happened, but I might have cut off just a smidge more while no one was around.
I cannot help but say that I have a very strong love for myself. And it is just so pointed that Paul says that the key for a God honoring marriage is a man who treats his wife in just such a way.
Now, ladies, you will notice that you have a goal to which you are to be striving too. The church’s oneness with Christ gives you all the more reason to respect your husbands.
Maybe you have a note in your margin on this. The word respect literally is the word “phobetai.” It is the word to fear or to stand in awe of. Paul is not saying that you are to be afraid of your husband or to be frightened by him. It is that reverential fear that the Bible speaks so much of. There is a particular honor that you are to give. You are to esteem him, even if he be full of faults, so that you may fulfill your role and not be given any kind of usurpation of his authority. The idea is that you will be kind towards him and as lovingly supportive as you can be.
But again, I emphasize that this is the conclusion that Paul is drawing. If marriage is the best possible corollary to the relationship that exists between Christ and the church, should that not motivate us all the more to be pursuing our respective roles. And as we pursue those roles, will we not also be achieving the kind of oneness that God desires? The beauty of this is that in the midst of the diversity and the individual roles that define it, you have the ingredients that make for greater marital unity.
In this discussion of oneness, it is interesting that we see our individual roles explained and reinforced all that much clearly. And what you find is that these roles serve the oneness, and the oneness serves our different roles.
Conclusion:
Well, with that Paul comes to the end of his discussion on marriage. And you might say that he ends in grand style.
Next time we are together we are going to begin a section on parenting. We are going to move on to the next phase of the home life and look at what leadership and submission in the parent child relationship should look like.
But as we draw this section on marriage to a close, let me just say again that you have here the key principles that will not only preserve your marriage, they will ensure that you have a most wonderful marriage. Paul’s instructions, if you abide by them and seek to apply them through and through, will make you to have abundant joy and happiness through all your years together.
While you might say that what is said here prohibits you from seeking love or fulfillment anywhere else; what is said here reinforces the idea that divorce and promiscuity is against God’s rule and you must keep from them, I would rather say that if you implement these principles, you will find no need for such things. You will find that your marriage is so radically fulfilling that you have all that you could ever want in it.
But it does boil down to this: Your marriage is not about your desires. It is not about you gaining your own fulfillment. Indeed, what Paul has said here reminds us that we must die to ourselves and seek that which is best for our spouse.
This is the very essence and core of what oneness is all about. The unity of a marriage finds its fulfillment in your seeking not your own will or pleasure, but the good of the other.
Some of you may remember the very first sermon I gave. Maybe you will remember what I said in introducing these roles. I quoted Jay Adams and said that those who do not understand these roles will not only have a much more difficult time solving the problems that they have, they will likely have many more problems to solve.
Many problems develop in a relationship because these roles have been neglected or reversed. One of the things that you have to do is sort out what role you have. Once you do that, you will find that you will sort out many of your problems.
I hope that in looking at these roles, you have become better equipped to relate to one another and find this to be true.
This morning, we are diving a little further into the topic of marriage. In the passage before us we are made to consider the unique character of marriage. In marriage, the two parties have different roles to fulfill, but we should also remember that the husband and wife form a unique relationship. As our passage says, the two are to become one.
Paul had just said that husbands should love their own wives as he loves himself. That led him to draw the analogy that Christ loves us because he loves his own body. We Christians are his body; he loves us because we are united to him.
That launches Paul into another little discussion. He begins a teaching section about the radical union that husbands and wives share. As he talks about the oneness that we Christians have with Christ it causes him to delve into the oneness that exists between a husband and wife.
And in our passage he expounds on this oneness. And he makes three distinct points. He first outlines the basic principles of marital oneness. After that he touts its greater reality, and then he renders its ultimate objectives.
A couple months ago, Mike had opportunity to fill the pulpit. In his message he talked about the oneness that exists between a husband and wife. He talked about how God created Adam in the beginning. But God saw that it was not good for him to be alone. So God put him to sleep. And while he was asleep, God tore him apart. He ripped a rib right out of Adam’s side. And with that rib he created a woman, Eve. Then he brought that woman to Adam. And then a very odd thing happened, the one which had become two, became one again. The two became one flesh. The fission resulted in a fusion.
This is one of the most unique things that we Christians believe about marriage. This concept is basically foreign to the world outside of Christianity. But it is an important one if you want to have a good marriage.
We live in a day where couples see themselves as radical equals. The individuality of the woman and the man rules the day. Yes, they may live in the same house. They may share the same bed. But in most respects, they see themselves as distinct entities. The emphasize their individuality. And because of this a lot of marriages struggle. Many marriages fail. And it is precisely because they have no concept of this oneness that is supposed to characterize marriage.
When we think about marriage, we are to understand that there is a deep connection that exists between a husband and wife. Scripture speaks of our becoming one flesh. And it means that there is a new status that is formed; a relationship that is to be closer and stronger than any other kind of human relationship. To put it another way, when we think of marriage, we should think of it as a true uniting of persons. They by no means lose their individuality as persons, but the relationship brings them together in such a way that we can call them “one.”
Our passage this morning deals with that fusion that occurs. And it begins in verse 31 by outlining the basic principles regarding this oneness.
I. Its basic principles [31]
In verse 31 Paul quotes from the opening chapters of the book of Genesis. He says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
You will notice that there are three basic principles which are laid down in this verse. There must be a leaving, a cleaving, and radical uniting of the persons in which the two become one flesh.
Now, you understand that all three of these things are talking about the unique relationship that is formed by a marriage. When a man and a woman are married, they form their own distinct entity. They become a new family. And thus, the first thing that happens in a marriage is that there is a separation. The ties that the couple had to their father and mother are severed. There’s a break in the home that happens.
Now we know that the husband and wife remain sons and daughters. But this is saying that there is a radical change in the parent-child relationship. The husband and wife must leave their father and mother and change the way they relate to them.
And this is one of the basic principles that you must recognize if you want to have a good marriage. That goes for parents and their children. There must be a distinct leaving that occurs. Not only is there to be a physical a separation where they move out of their parent’s house, but there should also be an emotional separation, a financial separation, and even an intellectual separation. In sum, there needs to be a distinct graduation from the home so that this couple can be united together and form their own home.
A lot of problems can result if we do not follow this principle. For instance, a daughter should realize that her counsel and support needs to be in her husband, and not her parents. Perhaps she’s always been daddy’s little girl. Or maybe she always had a tight relationship with her mother and got her advice and support from her mother.
Now, its not that her parents can’t be consulted, but Suzzie isn’t to go running to mom or dad anymore for everything. She now is to take her problems and questions to her husband. They need to confer about life together and find their encouragement and support in their spouse.
If she doesn’t, you will find that there are going to be sore tensions that rise in the relationship. That’s because it is going against God’s design for marriage.
And parents, this is very important that you set these boundaries. You must raise them and then set them free. I could give you examples of couples who have had overly involved mother-in-laws or fathers who were not able to easily give up their ties to their daughters. And this caused many tensions between the husband and wife and between the new couple and the imposing parents.
However, I will simply point out what the Scripture says right here. When a man and woman are joined together, they must leave his father and mother. This is so very vital for a successful marriage.
The second thing that must happen is that the couple must be joined together. As with the leaving, there must also be a cleaving.
I like the original language here. The Greek word is proskollao and it literally means “to be glued.” Paul is saying you need to stick together. To put it another way, your spouse needs to become the primary thing in your life.
Paul is saying that you bond together in such a way that your spouse takes a priority over everything else in your life and your life. You are welded together so acutely that your spouse takes precedence over your work, your friends, and even over your children.
Now, understand that God has created the home in such a way that the children revolve around the parents, and not the other way around. There have been many homes that have been wrecked because the husband-wife relationship has not been the primary relationship in the house. The kids have taken priority and their activities end up jamming the weekly schedule so that the couple never sees each other. Or the family business takes precedent, and the wife feels like she’s a third wheel because the man has (for all intents and purposes) married his work.
But you are not to cleave to your children or to your work or to anything else. You become united to your spouse and you must not let anything else come between you. He or she is to be your priority, your teammate, your partner.
There can be many things that get between a husband and wife. Satan would like nothing more than to drive some wedge in there. He would like marriages to become unglued, as it were.
But husbands and wives must understand that the greatest happiness comes as they make it their aim to cleave; to be fused together in the strongest of bonds.
Which leads to the third principle that is laid down in this verse. Paul says that the two should become “one flesh.”
Now again, when Scripture talks about the union of marriage, it recognizes that there is to be a complete identification of the persons. No longer are they to be recognized as separate entities. Their lives are to be so bound up in each others that, despite being two distinct individuals, they actually share a radical, personal union.
This is often talked about in regards to the sexual relationship. There is that passage in 1 Corinthians where Paul talks about being united to a harlot and how they become one flesh. There is a uniting that happens. No matter how much Hollywood would like to deny it and promote sexual promiscuity, the truth stands that physical intimacy creates a bond that supersedes physical contact.
But we should recognize that the oneness that a husband and wife are to have is more than merely sexual. It is to be a uniting of persons in every possible way. Their decisions, their lives, their dreams, their goals--everything is to be, as it were, merged.
One of the things I tell couples is that they should plan on having one bank account. There shouldn’t be his and her money. They should be in agreement when it comes to how their money is utilized--whether it is saved or spent. That’s just one example of how the couple practices their oneness. There are many more things that could be mentioned.
But you see here three distinct principles that are to govern the relationship. And it all boils down to one basic thing: Husbands and wives are to realize that they are united in a unique communion. They are to think of themselves as one. And they are to act as if they are one. All they have and all that they are are to be shared together and nothing is to infringe upon this relationship.
If you understand that, then your marriage will be well set. It will be a blessed relationship that flourishes in every possible way. Indeed, that is the way God has designed it.
We move then to the second item in our passage. After Paul outlines the basic principles of marital oneness, he speaks of its greater reality.
II. Its greater reality [32]
I’ve mentioned before how Paul seems to get his lines blurred throughout this discussion. As he talks about husbands, he naturally refers to the love that Christ has for the church. But as he expounds upon that love, you begin to wonder if he gets sidetracked. Is he talking about husbands or is he talking about Christ?
Here in verse 32, you almost have to read it a couple times to see if you missed something. You think he is talking about husbands and wives. For he says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” But then he follows that with verse 32, which says, “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”
So you wonder, which is it? Are we talking about marriage or are we talking theology?
Well, in Paul’s mind the two are hard to distinguish. It’s as if the marriage bond is so inexplicably great that you can’t help but say that its mirror image is found in Christ and the church.
One pastor put it this way: At the beginning of time, God created the institution of marriage. And the reason he did so was because he wanted to give the best possible illustration of the grandiose bond that exists between Christ and his church.
All in all, when you look at Christian marriage, you should see a commentary on Christ and his church. When you look at Christ and the church, you should see what marriage is to be.
And I think that is what is being communicated here. The relationship between Christ and the church is the fullest expression of what marriage is to be. It is the ideal to which all marriages are to be striving. It is the template which all marriages are to be patterned after.
It is often said that students fail to progress in their academic studies, not because they are unintelligent, but because the expectations are low. You might say that the students are actually achieving what was expected because the teacher never set the bar all that high.
By contrast, there have been various educators who have had exceedingly high expectations and they find that the students (in most cases) rise to the occasion.
This may very well be why many marriages fail or falter. Many people find that their marriages are not excelling or not as satisfying as they were meant to be. They are not happy being married.
The reason why they are so unhappy is because they are not seeking to make their marriage align with its ultimate reality. They are not seeking to conform their marriage to the intimate kind of relationship that exists between Christ and his church.
A marriage will only be truly satisfying in so far as it achieves and recognizes the goals for which it is designed.
So, if you believe your marriage needs to be improved, this is the best advice you can follow. You should seek to find ways in which your relationship is not expressing this oneness. Or, to put it another way, how can your relationship better reflect the greater reality to which it is supposed to point?
When it comes to our relationship with Christ there is a unique relationship that exists. There is a mystical union; a spiritual union that occurs. The Holy Spirit comes into our lives and we get to be the recipients of all that Christ has done in regards to his work as mediator. His life was and is directed all towards us. Even now he stands at God’s right hand--and even though he is away from us, he is actively working for us. His thoughts are on us.
Our response as His people is to trust in him and live for him. We aim to glorify him and walk with him in obedience to his word.
Likewise, a husband’s life is to be bound up in his wife’s. Her life is to be wrapped up in his. And as they share their lives together and imitate Christ and his church, they find that God’s blessing comes to rest upon them.
So, when it comes to the oneness of marriage, we see here the basic principles that are to govern it and the ultimate reality to which it is supposed to point. Our text ends by laying out the basic objectives that come as a result of this oneness.
III. Its ultimate objectives [33]
Paul says in verse 33. “let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
Now, I might begin by saying that some of our versions will start verse 33 with the word “however” or “nevertheless.” I would like to suggest that these may not be the best words. Those words make it sound like there is no connection between verse 32 and verse 33.
The Greek word can mean those things. But it can also be translated, “Moreover.” I think that the idea would be something like this. Since Christ and the church signify what marriage is to be, all the more reason that each of you love his wife and that wives should respect their husbands.
I believe Paul is drawing a conclusion. This oneness that you have--this oneness that replicates the oneness that Christ has with his church, demands that you fulfill the role God has given you all that much more. When you think about oneness and the greater reality of your oneness, you should be all that much more motivated to love your wife and exercise that honor that is fitting to your role as a wife.
Last week I mentioned the selfishness that we have for ourselves. I then gave the illustration of cutting a piece of pie and how we would fudge the cut if we had the chance. Well, throughout this thanksgiving week I had various opportunities to look at all kinds of very desirable pies. And every time I looked at those pies I remembered my own illustration about selfishness. I thought about how I as a husband am called to love my wife. I wonder if now every time I see a pie I am going to have this association. Pie has now become the sacrament which points to the love I am supposed to have for my wife.
Well, it did not matter how full my stomach was, nor did it matter that I was given very satisfying portions of the tasty dessert, I came out to that kitchen and saw the pies sitting there. I am not saying that it happened, but I might have cut off just a smidge more while no one was around.
I cannot help but say that I have a very strong love for myself. And it is just so pointed that Paul says that the key for a God honoring marriage is a man who treats his wife in just such a way.
Now, ladies, you will notice that you have a goal to which you are to be striving too. The church’s oneness with Christ gives you all the more reason to respect your husbands.
Maybe you have a note in your margin on this. The word respect literally is the word “phobetai.” It is the word to fear or to stand in awe of. Paul is not saying that you are to be afraid of your husband or to be frightened by him. It is that reverential fear that the Bible speaks so much of. There is a particular honor that you are to give. You are to esteem him, even if he be full of faults, so that you may fulfill your role and not be given any kind of usurpation of his authority. The idea is that you will be kind towards him and as lovingly supportive as you can be.
But again, I emphasize that this is the conclusion that Paul is drawing. If marriage is the best possible corollary to the relationship that exists between Christ and the church, should that not motivate us all the more to be pursuing our respective roles. And as we pursue those roles, will we not also be achieving the kind of oneness that God desires? The beauty of this is that in the midst of the diversity and the individual roles that define it, you have the ingredients that make for greater marital unity.
In this discussion of oneness, it is interesting that we see our individual roles explained and reinforced all that much clearly. And what you find is that these roles serve the oneness, and the oneness serves our different roles.
Conclusion:
Well, with that Paul comes to the end of his discussion on marriage. And you might say that he ends in grand style.
Next time we are together we are going to begin a section on parenting. We are going to move on to the next phase of the home life and look at what leadership and submission in the parent child relationship should look like.
But as we draw this section on marriage to a close, let me just say again that you have here the key principles that will not only preserve your marriage, they will ensure that you have a most wonderful marriage. Paul’s instructions, if you abide by them and seek to apply them through and through, will make you to have abundant joy and happiness through all your years together.
While you might say that what is said here prohibits you from seeking love or fulfillment anywhere else; what is said here reinforces the idea that divorce and promiscuity is against God’s rule and you must keep from them, I would rather say that if you implement these principles, you will find no need for such things. You will find that your marriage is so radically fulfilling that you have all that you could ever want in it.
But it does boil down to this: Your marriage is not about your desires. It is not about you gaining your own fulfillment. Indeed, what Paul has said here reminds us that we must die to ourselves and seek that which is best for our spouse.
This is the very essence and core of what oneness is all about. The unity of a marriage finds its fulfillment in your seeking not your own will or pleasure, but the good of the other.