The Surprising Call of God to Husbands
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Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. 

Ephesians 5:22-30

Once again I want to begin by mentioning the structure of the passage before us.  I’ve noted that the apostle Paul devotes a greater amount of space to the husbands and their role than he does to the ladies.  If you were to count the number of words, you would find that it is more than double.  

I’ve alluded to the fact that this might be because the men are a little more dense and it takes a little more to get through to them.  More seriously, I’ve mentioned that it highlights how important a husband’s role in the family is.  There are exceptions, but in the main you will find that we will not have good marriages until we have godly husbands.  

And for that reason it is important to understand what the man’s role is.  Once we come to grips with our calling as husbands, our marriage will oftentimes begin to take a whole new shape.  

But that may be the trick.  I would bet that most do not realize that they do have specific roles within a marriage.  If you ask a guy on the street what his role is, he may have no clue what you are talking about.  Maybe he will say something about being a breadwinner. Or maybe he'll say he's the guy who gets the lid off the pickle jar.  But, all in all, the husband even that is becoming a lost concept.

I will admit that I myself was in this camp years ago.  When I was getting married it was simply because I really liked this girl.  I knew I wanted to be a good husband.  However, I really didn’t have a great sense of what that entailed.  I didn't know that I had any kind of real responsibility or role to play in this relationship.  It wasn't until I went through my pre-marital counseling that I was confronted with these realities.

So I would not be surprised if many other guys are just as surprised to learn what I learned.

And I do not doubt that this role may come as surprise.  Maybe even to those who do have some inkling of the husband wife relationship--maybe it can still be somewhat of a startling thing to really consider what God says about a husband’s role.

That’s actually what I want to focus on.  Some of us may have heard this passage last time.  No doubt, many of us have been exposed to it hundreds of times.  We’ve read it; we’ve been lectured on it.  It’s somewhat common.  But this morning I want us to come to the text afresh.  There is some real shock value to this passage.  And I want us to catch some of the real surprising things that are contained in it.

I don’t doubt that the men of Ephesus would have certainly felt a jolt when this was first read to them.  I can’t help but think that they were caught off guard at the command we are given, the concern we are to have, and the care we are to show.  And if we are reading this text correctly, we should be just as surprised.

Now, when you think about the command that we are given, you should feel a little punch.  It certainly does come as a bit of a jolt.

I. The command that we are given [25]
Think about how it plays out in the text.  Paul begins in verse 21 by saying that we are to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”  Immediately after that, he talks about how a woman needs to submit to her husband.  

You can imagine how the men may sat a little higher in their seats after hearing that.  They may be thinking, “Yeah, you tell her Paul!”  And you might think that Paul would follow it up by saying, “Husbands, make sure she doesn’t get out of line.”  Or, “Husbands, keep your wives in subjection.”  Or perhaps, “Husbands, don’t let her change the channel on the football game.”

But he does not say anything like that.  After recognizing the man’s headship and the wife’s duty of submission, Paul says something that would have likely caught them completely off guard.  They likely would have been anticipating something about control, command, or order.  There would be some expectations of something manly or authoritarian.

And when Paul says, “You need to love your wives,” it would likely be a jaw dropping moment.  The fact that he spoke of agape love would have struck them like a Mack truck.  Instead of calling them to bring the iron fist to the house and making sure she knows what submission is all about, Paul tells them that they need to lift her up.  They need to exalt her.  She needs to be prized.  Your life is to be devoted to her in the most radical way--even to the point of giving your life.  

So you can kind of see the ladies in the Ephesian congregation.  The men, after hearing this, are wide eyed and flabbergasted.  The ladies sit back and smile.  This submission thing isn’t so bad anymore.  

But you understand something of how unexpected this might be.  

That might be very surprising even in our day. After all, there are typically two different kinds of men.  On the one hand there’s the overly patriarchal guy.  He says that her life is to be wrapped up in him.  She’s to take care of his house.  She is to meet his needs.  She’s to do everything for him.  It is an abuse of the kind of headship the Bible talks about.  That’s because it is oppressive and overly one sided.

On the opposite extreme you have the milquetoast, egalitarian man.  In this relationship he has no real responsibility towards his wife.  That’s because they are radical equals.  He does his thing and she basically does hers.  They may have some fun together and do various things together,  But in reality, he does not have any kind of responsibility towards her.  His life is not really bound up in her at all.  

And in the face of these two extremes God says, “Love your wife.”  In other words, God says use the headship you’ve been given, not for yourself or your own pleasure, but for her. Your headship is for her welfare, her happiness, her greater good.

This is what will make your love for your wife different from what you find in the house next door.  And it will be surprising to the people around us because we treat our wives so much differently.  We treat them with the highest honor and affection.  They see us going the extra mile for her.  They see how fulfilled our wife is because we are meeting her needs and making sure that she has that emotional connection that she desires.  We are watching her movies and take interest in the things that she is interested in.  

It’s going to be surprising because, when she gives me that “honey-do list” I am not going to look at it as a burden and complain about it.  Since we are commanded to love her with agape love, we are going to try and accomplish as much of it as we can.  And it is all because I know that pleases her and it is my life’s aim to love her in this way.

I remember a few years ago our family was taking a walk around the block and we came across a couple college students who we had met a few days before.  We stopped to say hi and have a little chat.  One of the girls had noted that we homeschool the kids.  And she said, “Wow, you guys do school together and then spend all your time together in the afternoon too.  You sure must love each other.”

That girl couldn’t fathom that this is the way a family would operate.  She was used to the idea that the family was off in all different directions and maybe got together for a little bit on the weekends.  It was truly a surprise.  A surprise of love.

That’s the kind of thing that we should be aiming for.  Christian headship is not what we might think it to be.  Biblical headship turns headship on its head.  And, for that reason, it should turn heads.
So, as we seek to be godly men, let’s not forget the wow factor of male headship.  

but this is surprising not just because of the command that we are given.  It is also surprising because of the concern that we are to have.

II. The concern we are to have [26-27]
One of the main reasons, if not the main reason, God has put us in her life is so that she would become a better person.  It’s so that she might mature and grow.  A husband’s primary concern is to be his wife’s character development.  

Why do I say that this is to be our chief concern as a husband?  It’s because of what we find in verses 26-27.

In these verses Paul says that Jesus died for a particular purpose.  It wasn’t just to save us from the guilt and punishment of our sin.  No matter how wonderful that is, that was not his main goal.  He had another reason; a better reason.  He gave up his life so that we might be holy.  His aim was to cleanse us from sin and make us more obedient.

And you notice that Paul is not sparing in his language here.  He repeats the same idea 9 different times. He says that Jesus gave up his life…

• that he might sanctify her,
• having cleansed her
• by the washing of water with the word,  
• so that he might present the church to himself in splendor,
• without spot
• wrinkle
• or any such thing,
• that she might be holy and
• without blemish.

Now, you recognize that this repetition is for the purpose of emphasis.  And the more you repeat something the more emphasis it should have.  The more you say it, the more important it is.  So Paul is really trying to drill this point down:  Christ is concerned with our sin.  Christ wants us to be righteous in the way we live.  His chief concern is our heart.

Since this is coming in the context of his address to husbands, Paul is pointing out what should be a major concern in our marriage.  If we want to be godly husbands, we should recognize that one of our primary duties is the nurture of our wife’s soul.  

God has not put you in her life so that she can drive a better car.  He put you in this relationship so that she could be more apt to trust in God.  He brought you into her life so that she could be a better Christian.

And so your goal as a husband should be to help her think right, speak right, and behave right.  

Now, there are probably many things that are on your mind when it comes to your relationship.  Is she driving a safe car.  Does she get out enough?  Is she satisfied with her environment (i.e. her home)?  These may all be good things, but the question that we should be asking ourselves is whether this (her character) is the main concern we have.  

I recognize that this can be a difficult thing.  This is, after all, where Adam messed up, isn’t it?  Back in the Garden of Eden, he allowed Eve to enter into a conversation with the serpent.  He stood there passively looking on as she was being deceived into eating the fruit.  The passage tells us that after she ate of the apple, she gave it to her husband “who was with her.”  Part of the fall of man was his abdication of this role.  He was to be looking out for her spiritual interests.  He was to be actively protecting her from temptation.  He should have been zeroing in on the fact that her focus on God was being derailed.

But this is why Christ has come.  Christ is the better Adam.  He is the better husband.  And because of him, we can become better husbands.  We can begin to nurture our wife as we should.

RC Sproul has a good way of looking at this.  He says, on the basis of this passage, that the single biggest influence on the development of a wife’s character is her husband.  He said that he would sometimes have a man come to him and complain that his wife has changed since they got married.  He would respond by saying, “What do you supposed changed her?”  And his point is that typically, the wife he has is the wife he has produced.

Milton Vincent is a pastor and author.  He spoke at a seminar and said that he once had a fellow who said that he had married the same woman three times.  He married a woman, divorced her, and then married someone else.  But each woman turned out to be the same rotten woman.  And Vincent made the observation:  How do you think that these women got that way?

This just shows how influential a husband is in the relationship.  Mark this: You are influencing your spouse.  It is either for good or for ill.  You are leading her.  It’s just a matter of how you are leading.

We should understand that our main calling as a husband is her spiritual development.  We are to be nurturing her in the Scriptures, guiding her into truth, praying with her, praying for her. 

Some of us probably need to be praying for the courage to begin taking these kinds of steps.  I don't down there are some who have never thought about this and now that you are, it not only comes as a surprise, it seems like a daunting thing.

But I will repeat what our text repeats:  Our main calling as husbands is to present her to Christ; and our goal is to present her to him so that she is much more obedient and holy than when she first came into our life.

There’s one more surprise in our text.  We’ve no doubt been shocked by the command we are given and perhaps we've been taken aback at the concern we are to have.  But there’s another thing that should make us raise our eyebrows in some degree of disbelief.  And that it the care that we are to show.

III. The care that we are to show [28-30]
Look at verse 28.  Paul says, “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself.”  He goes on in verse 29 to elaborate on this idea by saying, “no one ever hated his own flesh, but he nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.”

Now, reading these words like this may not come across as all that remarkable, but when you pick it apart you find that there are some pretty amazing things that are said.  When you break it down you find that it’s a little more eye opening.

First of all, we can talk about how much care you are required to show your wife.  Paul lays down a measurement here that is probably not the normal way we might measure our love.

We might say, “I love her more than my kids.”  Or “I certainly love her more than my neighbor loves his wife.”  We like to compare ourselves to the people around us, don’t we?  We can typically look good that way.  

But Paul uses a different metric.  He says we must you are to “love your wife as much as you love yourself.”  And the only way you can really love yourself is if you are loving your wife in this way.

Here’s a good question for you to ponder: How much love do you have for yourself?  The answer is more than you probably think.  

We have a natural affection for ourselves where we care for ourselves.  We naturally recoil from harm. That’s because we don’t want ourselves to get hurt.  When you hit your thumb with a hammer, we pull it close and maybe even stick it in our mouth in order to ease the pain.  We do that because we love ourselves.

Added to this natural love is our sinful love of ourselves.  We are selfish people and we have a tendency to do things to promote our own interests.  When you have to split a piece of pie with someone, how do we act?  We first say, “No, I don’t want to split it.”  If we are able to get past that, we cut the pie in such a way that we have a bit more.  Why do we do that?  It’s because we are overly infatuated with ourselves.

Paul says, much to our surprise, that we need to love her to that exact same degree.  

But Paul doesn’t just talk about the extent of our care, he also mentions its expression.  
He uses two words in verse 29 to help us think about practical ways in which we can care for our wives.  When it comes to our bodies, Paul says we “nourish and cherish” ourselves.  And these are the operative words that should define our relationship to our wives.  

Now, people have asked me to use the original language more.  And I think this is one of those passages that you’ll need to use some discretion with.  Because the word nourish literally means "to fatten."  Be very careful how you use this.  If your wife comes to you a little sullen after she’s just stepped off the scale, you probably shouldn’t respond by saying, “Well, darling, its because I love you so much.”  That won't have the romantic touch that you think it does.

The word has to do with providing for yourself.  You are not starving yourself.  You do what you can to eat and provide for your hunger.  And it is not just food. It's providing for all the different desires she has.  You should be seeking to nourish her in regards to the attention she needs, the respect she desires and honor.  You will want to fatten her up with compliments and encouragements so that she has a healthy esteem and cheerfulness.

The word cherishes literally means “to warm.”  It’s the idea of taking someone in your arms and feeling the warmth of their body against you.  There’s that embrace that is loving and affectionate.  

Now, lest you guys get too carried away, there’s more to this than physical touch.  How might your wife feel cherished?  What if you started texting her with some expressions of affection.  You know, something other than, “What time is dinner?”  Maybe something like, “I love you.”  “Thank you for being my wife.”  You can warm her over by taking her out on a date and making sure she has some fun in life.  A woman’s work is never done.  So try to give her time to relax and do something fun.

You mean, I actually have to think about her when she’s not around?  Yes!  You put a lot of thought into your work.  Your mind is constantly wrapped up in how you can succeed in life; how you can excel in your job.  Paul's saying that you need to treat her as you treat yourself.

Paul is seeking to get you to be very practical.  He’s trying to get you to think about specific ways in which you can care for your wife.  And you likely see that you need to be pouring yourself into her.  

That’s what makes this so radical.  It’s not the kind of relationship that you’ve probably had up to this point.  When you think about loving her as you love yourself, you understand that the bar is set far above where you thought it was.  And it really is surprising to think of it like this.

Conclusion
But this is exactly why the best analogy that Paul can come up with is the love that Christ has for the church.  Because that really is a love that is like no other.  The Ephesians didn’t have a God who would die for them in their pantheon.  They had gods that died and came back to life.  They had heroes who fought and did great miracles.  But their gods were not all that affectionate.  Their gods didn’t really love them, at least not like this.

God’s love for us is demonstrated in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  His love is displayed in that he continues to nourish us and cherish us.  Every day he is ministering to us, he is extending his hand to uphold us.  By his providence he is manipulating history so that good might come to us.

God's love and care are ultimately displayed in a pool of blood at the foot of the cross.  Christ gave his life so that we might be fattened with eternal life and obedience.

Now he calls us to emulate him in his love.  You have the privilege to be one of the greatest testimonies of God’s affection in this woman’s life.